So we all have heard about the concept of Attachment Parenting (AP) and all its benefits. and I'm sure it works wonders in forging that amazing bond with your bub which wouldn't have been possible otherwise.
But hang on there AP followers, you got tough competition from the latest kids on the block - the Detachment Parenting (DP) followers! Now DP and AP are as different as chalk and cheese. But does that also mean that one way is "better" than the other?
In my honest opinion, it is relative. Depends on the upbringing of the parent. Let me give you my example. I had the mother of all DP moms - she never went coochie coo with us, did not tolerate crying even if we fell down and hurt ourselves, and NEVER gave in to our tantrums since the day we were born. I often wondered if she were a reincarnation of Hitler himself. The irony was, her name was a synonym for "maternal love", which according to me was a total misnomer. I found her detachment and lack of emotion quite disappointing, and promised myself I would never be like that.
And then I grew up. And saw the wisdom in her parenting style. We kids learnt to take care of ourselves, ourselves. We fought our own battles. We never came crying to mommy. We were responsible for our own academic and extra curricular performance, with neither blind support nor undue pressure from her. We were told what was fire, but in case we still chose to burn ourselves, we were allowed to make mistakes, but also be responsible for our decisions. We were independent at a young age, and capable of taking care of everything around teh house and outside, sooner than many kids.
(Of course after we grew up and left home, my mother had melted like wax and she compensated for her earlier strict behaviour by being over senti and coochi coo.) But anyway, the point is.. DP has its benefits. Did I not miss my mother's hugs and kisses? I did. Will I not hug and kiss my baby? Perhaps I would, more than my mother did. But one must know where to draw the line.
Ever since my baby was born, she has slept in her own bed. This gives me my comfort, space and privacy with my husband in bed. I play with her during the day, but when I'm busy with work, I'm busy - she has been taught to play on her own. I do have my bonding time with her everyday when I bathe and massage her on my own, but others (husband/family/friends) play an active role in feeding her etc so she isnt stuck to me. I rarely rock her in my arms when she has to sleep... she self soothes to sleep mostly. even if she is crying, I do not rush to her immediately - I know mostly she is just testing me for attention. I love being with her but every week I take a day out to do my own thing with my friends, sans the baby - without feeling any guilt.
Going forward, she will be shifted into her own room and bed when baby no 2 arrives in the next 2-3 years. My kids will sleep, eat, play independently. Of course I will be with them every step of the way. However I will not forge their paths for them, but let them find a way on their own.
Most importantly I will not take them everywhere I go - especially to movie halls/theatres/auditoriums/ fine dining restaurants etc. There are some places kids should just not be allowed to enter. I have always hated unruly kids screaming while I'm trying to watch a movie or have a quiet dinner with husband. If your kids cant sit at one place then don't take them out to such places where not only your experience is disturbed but others suffer too. Take them to a noisy Mc Donalds' or just keep them at home!
All of this may come as quite a shock to my fellow Indians, as we are a country full of over senti and attached parents. I know of many people who are adults and still sleep with their parents! Of men who are mollycoddled to death by their mothers and cant function on their own. Of women who forget to be wives and friends and WOMEN, just because they have become mothers.
I am all for love and bonding and affection. And even though AP is not my style, I respect those who follow it. But I'd rather stay away, and embrace DP. It may sound selfish, but for me, it is the more sensible and practical thing to do. And I'm sure my kids will love me to bits just as much, just like I love my mom :)
But hang on there AP followers, you got tough competition from the latest kids on the block - the Detachment Parenting (DP) followers! Now DP and AP are as different as chalk and cheese. But does that also mean that one way is "better" than the other?
In my honest opinion, it is relative. Depends on the upbringing of the parent. Let me give you my example. I had the mother of all DP moms - she never went coochie coo with us, did not tolerate crying even if we fell down and hurt ourselves, and NEVER gave in to our tantrums since the day we were born. I often wondered if she were a reincarnation of Hitler himself. The irony was, her name was a synonym for "maternal love", which according to me was a total misnomer. I found her detachment and lack of emotion quite disappointing, and promised myself I would never be like that.
And then I grew up. And saw the wisdom in her parenting style. We kids learnt to take care of ourselves, ourselves. We fought our own battles. We never came crying to mommy. We were responsible for our own academic and extra curricular performance, with neither blind support nor undue pressure from her. We were told what was fire, but in case we still chose to burn ourselves, we were allowed to make mistakes, but also be responsible for our decisions. We were independent at a young age, and capable of taking care of everything around teh house and outside, sooner than many kids.
(Of course after we grew up and left home, my mother had melted like wax and she compensated for her earlier strict behaviour by being over senti and coochi coo.) But anyway, the point is.. DP has its benefits. Did I not miss my mother's hugs and kisses? I did. Will I not hug and kiss my baby? Perhaps I would, more than my mother did. But one must know where to draw the line.
Ever since my baby was born, she has slept in her own bed. This gives me my comfort, space and privacy with my husband in bed. I play with her during the day, but when I'm busy with work, I'm busy - she has been taught to play on her own. I do have my bonding time with her everyday when I bathe and massage her on my own, but others (husband/family/friends) play an active role in feeding her etc so she isnt stuck to me. I rarely rock her in my arms when she has to sleep... she self soothes to sleep mostly. even if she is crying, I do not rush to her immediately - I know mostly she is just testing me for attention. I love being with her but every week I take a day out to do my own thing with my friends, sans the baby - without feeling any guilt.
Going forward, she will be shifted into her own room and bed when baby no 2 arrives in the next 2-3 years. My kids will sleep, eat, play independently. Of course I will be with them every step of the way. However I will not forge their paths for them, but let them find a way on their own.
Most importantly I will not take them everywhere I go - especially to movie halls/theatres/auditoriums/ fine dining restaurants etc. There are some places kids should just not be allowed to enter. I have always hated unruly kids screaming while I'm trying to watch a movie or have a quiet dinner with husband. If your kids cant sit at one place then don't take them out to such places where not only your experience is disturbed but others suffer too. Take them to a noisy Mc Donalds' or just keep them at home!
All of this may come as quite a shock to my fellow Indians, as we are a country full of over senti and attached parents. I know of many people who are adults and still sleep with their parents! Of men who are mollycoddled to death by their mothers and cant function on their own. Of women who forget to be wives and friends and WOMEN, just because they have become mothers.
I am all for love and bonding and affection. And even though AP is not my style, I respect those who follow it. But I'd rather stay away, and embrace DP. It may sound selfish, but for me, it is the more sensible and practical thing to do. And I'm sure my kids will love me to bits just as much, just like I love my mom :)
