Friday, November 22, 2013

Tiger Mom Vs Dino Mom : Where do you stand?



A friend of mine recently shared this interesting post by a fellow blogger -

Tiger mom - to be or not to be | Blog Post by Tanu Shree Singh | two boys and a mad mum | mycity4kids

Reading the post made me smile. I've read the famous "Battle hymn of the tiger mom" book. Its a fun read and talks about one perspective of parenting. But when it comes to parenting, it's hard to say what is right and what is wrong. Parenting is highly subjective.

 




My parents were never strict with us as far as academics/sports/extra curriculars were concerned. Frankly they did not care as long as they were not getting any complaints. They did not push us unnecessarily. Our cable connection was not disconnected during exams, our parents did not make us burn the midnight oil, or push us to attend 1000 classes like sports and performing arts and tuitions.

But I guess I did not need pushing. I was a good student (never came first but was always top 5), very active in extra curriculars, the teacher's pet and popular at school. Out of my own choice I took judo, swimming, theater, dance, cooking, language and singing classes. Never really excelled in anything to make it a career, but was happy to dabble and enjoy.

I feel good that I wasn't forced to only study or pushed hard for sports etc. But I do wish, a little, that my parents pushed me harder to try to come first, to learn to play a music instrument, to hone some skill/art, and definitely be interested in sports (I'm zero in sports). I was always a chilled out girl who was more of a smart worker than a hard worker. And since I always did well at school, no one complained or bothered. I was content and so were my parents so things stayed status quo. But I feel a little pressure from them would have gone a long way into getting me to get out of my comfort zone and try harder, and God knows what I could have, would have, achieved.

I know it's not fair to blame everything on them. It sounds like it but I don't mean that. We and only we are responsible for the choices we make in life. And I never bothered to have a serious passion, which I regret very much today, but it's all my fault for being so casual and lazy.

Bottom line is.. I want to go one step ahead of my parents and encourage my children to be passionate about something and work hard on it. I would like to expose them to all options in skills/sports/academics etc, and let them choose what catches their fancy. And then be after them to not get lazy about their chosen passion. I know it sounds nasty, but at the cost of being labelled a strict/bad/dominating/hitler mom by my peers or family, this is one thing that I have decided I will do.

Apart from of course. . My house my rules.. for 18 years my kids HAVE to live by my rules. Which means I decide schedules and permissions and possessions etc. If its acceptable well and good, if not you are free to leave. My mom was a strict mom who didn't coochie coo us at all. While I may be a little more affectionate towards my kids, I'm gonna be a strict disciplinarian for sure, the bad cop. And I don't mind. I think it's required. One has limited control over children, especially these days. You have only a few years to mould them into responsible, disciplined individuals. Once they grow up they're on their own, forever.

So I guess I'm neither a proper Tiger mom nor a Dino mom, but somewhere in the middle, maybe leaning towards Dino mom :-)

Friday, November 8, 2013

Tackling the bottle: Tips for bottle feeding babies

Breast is by far the best food for your baby. But for whatever reasons if and when you shift partially or fully to formula feeding, one of the most popular ways to feed formula is through a feeding bottle. Once you have chosen to introduce bottle feeding, you should get some bottle feeding basics right, so that you and your baby become comfortable with the whole process.



Choosing a bottle and nipple: 
From glass to plastic, there are a number of materials and brand option in the market today.  Choose a material you can afford and maintain hassle free. Bottles are long lasting and you can easily use them for 3-6 months depending on the care. Nipples need to be changed at least every 3 months, not just for size but also hygiene.

Maintenance and storage:
Bottles and nipples need to be cleaned with a baby stuff cleanser and brush every day, and sterilized before every use for best results. For sterilization, you can use an electric or microwave sterilizer, sterilizing liquid/tablets or boil in water traditionally, though that may lead to yellowing of nipples/bottles. After sterilizing, you can store bottles in your room in a comfortable temperature, or in the fridge.

Tips for bottle-feeding:

1. Try to give warm milk instead of room temp or cold – babies prefer warm to cold. At the same time don’t get them too used to it that they don’t drink until its warm – could be a problem when travelling.

2. Don’t let the baby sleep while feeding; keep tickling them to wake them up. Also, keep tapping the bottle on the side or bottom and keep rotating the bottle every now and then to remind the baby to drink.

3. Choose the flow of the nipple as per age and comfort with feeding speed of the baby. Sometimes when a baby doesn’t feed for too long and therefore doesn’t get enough nutrition, choosing a faster flow nipple helps.

4. Like the breast, a bottle nipple also should also be completely in the baby’s mouth. Ensure that to maintain a steady feeding rate. However, keep removing the nipple every now and then to tackle vacuum build-up.

5. Raise the head slightly for easy feeding, especially for babies less than 4 months/those who don’t have neck control yet.

6. Always prepare more formula than the baby’s regular amount. If s/he finishes and wants more, you will waste time making again but by then their hunger will be gone.

7. Talk or sing to the baby, encourage and appreciate him/her while feeding so they feel good about feeding and feed well instead of throwing tantrums or being fussy.

8. Burp the baby well enough so that s/he doesn't feel unwell or gassy, and refuses to feed due to that. Make the baby do gas relieving exercises and in worst cases, use colic medication as per your pediatricians advice.

9. You can feed expressed breast milk through bottles as well. Just ensure you refrigerate the milk if you want to store, and use within 24 hours. You can also freeze breast milk for longer storage. You can milk breast milk and formula, but if the baby doesn't finish the feed, remember the leftover breast milk goes waste.

Always listen to what your baby needs. Go with the flow. Keep the basics and tips in mind and you will definitely have a smooth sailing feeding experience!

The formula of feeding formula!

In the olden times, when a mother couldn't or didn't want to feed, she had the option of wet nurses, mothers who were employed to feed others’ babies. With changing times, feeding options for mothers have changed as well. Today the most popular, safe and nutritious alternative to breastfeeding is formula.

There is no doubt, that in the first 6 months, breast-milk is the best for a baby.  WHO recommends exclusively breastfeeding a baby till 6 months and then continuing as a supplement until 2 years or more if desirable. However, there can be a number of reasons why a mother shifts to formula, partially or fully. The inability to feed from mother’s or baby’s side, mother or baby not together for a long period of time, mother wanting to wean baby early due to work or other commitments, etc. Whatever be the reason, today a mother need not worry about her child’s health and nutrition, thanks to formula.

So where do you begin?



Choosing, storing, preparing formula:
There are a variety of formula brands available in India. Your pediatrician, friends and family can help you choose a good option. Sometimes a particular brand doesn't suit the baby, so keep your options open. Finalize a brand based on suitability, budget, availability etc.
Once you buy a box, remember to keep it sealed in an airtight container, and use the contents before expiry date. If you use formula sparingly, donate partially used formula to mothers who can’t afford it or a puppy/kitten shelter before expiry.
Always remember to follow the formula preparation instructions properly when making it, to avoid over/under nutrition and/or infection. Also some formula brands have probiotics which die if exposed to very high temperatures, so be careful to use only lukewarm water and never cook prepared formula. Remember – use formula within half an hour of preparation and discard any leftover formula immediately.

Choosing a feeding medium:  
There are a number of ways in which you can feed your baby. Most parents choose a bottle, but one can also opt for spoon or palada. Choose an option that is best suited to your and baby’s comfort. It is easier to shift to sippy cup/ tumbler feeding when using a spoon/palada¸ but bottle is fine as well. However it is suggested to get your child weaned off from bottles by age 1 to avoid teething and other problems.

Benefits of formula feeding:
other family members like father, siblings, relatives can be involved in feeding process
formula fed babies are fuller, and sleep longer especially at nights
intake can be easily monitored and mother isn’t tied down 24x7
no interference in dietary, birth control and clothing choices

If you go the formula way in a proper hygienic manner, there is no reason your child won’t be as healthy, happy and satisfied as a breastfed baby. Whether the reason to choose formula was voluntary or involuntary, never feel guilty or depressed: you are in no way second class to women who choose to and are able to breastfeed their children. You are an amazing mother who knows what is best for her baby, and your

baby will love you just as much!

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Detachment Parenting : More sensible parenting?

So we all have heard about the concept of Attachment Parenting (AP) and all its benefits. and I'm sure it works wonders in forging that amazing bond with your bub which wouldn't have been possible otherwise.

But hang on there AP followers, you got tough competition from the latest kids on the block - the Detachment Parenting (DP) followers! Now DP and AP are as different as chalk and cheese. But does that also mean that one way is "better" than the other?



In my honest opinion, it is relative. Depends on the upbringing of the parent. Let me give you my example. I had the mother of all DP moms - she never went coochie coo with us, did not tolerate crying even if we fell down and hurt ourselves, and NEVER gave in to our tantrums since the day we were born. I often wondered if she were a reincarnation of Hitler himself. The irony was, her name was a synonym for "maternal love", which according to me was a total misnomer. I found her detachment and lack of emotion quite disappointing, and promised myself I would never be like that.

And then I grew up. And saw the wisdom in her parenting style. We kids learnt to take care of ourselves, ourselves. We fought our own battles. We never came crying to mommy. We were responsible for our own academic and extra curricular performance, with neither blind support nor undue pressure from her. We were told what was fire, but in case we still chose to burn ourselves, we were allowed to make mistakes, but also be responsible for our decisions. We were independent at a young age, and capable of taking care of everything around teh house and outside, sooner than many kids.

(Of course after we grew up and left home, my mother had melted like wax and she compensated for her earlier strict behaviour by being over senti and coochi coo.) But anyway, the point is.. DP has its benefits. Did I not miss my mother's hugs and kisses? I did. Will I not hug and kiss my baby? Perhaps I would, more than my mother did. But one must know where to draw the line.

Ever since my baby was born, she has slept in her own bed. This gives me my comfort, space and privacy with my husband in bed. I play with her during the day, but when I'm busy with work, I'm busy - she has been taught to play on her own. I do have my bonding time with her everyday when I bathe and massage her on my own, but others (husband/family/friends) play an active role in feeding her etc so she isnt stuck to me. I rarely rock her in my arms when she has to sleep... she self soothes to sleep mostly. even if she is crying, I do not rush to her immediately - I know mostly she is just testing me for attention. I love being with her but every week I take a day out to do my own thing with my friends, sans the baby - without feeling any guilt.

Going forward, she will be shifted into her own room and bed when baby no 2 arrives in the next 2-3 years. My kids will sleep, eat, play independently. Of course I will be with them every step of the way. However I will not forge their paths for them, but let them find a way on their own.

Most importantly I will not take them everywhere I go - especially to movie halls/theatres/auditoriums/ fine dining restaurants etc. There are some places kids should just not be allowed to enter. I have always hated unruly kids screaming while I'm trying to watch a movie or have a quiet dinner with husband. If your kids cant sit at one place then don't take them out to such places where not only your experience is disturbed but others suffer too. Take them to a noisy Mc Donalds' or just keep them at home!

All of this may come as quite a shock to my fellow Indians, as we are a country full of over senti and attached parents. I know of many people who are adults and still sleep with their parents! Of men who are mollycoddled to death by their mothers and cant function on their own. Of women who forget to be wives and friends and WOMEN, just because they have become mothers.

I am all for love and bonding and affection. And even though AP is not my style, I respect those who follow it. But I'd rather stay away, and embrace DP. It may sound selfish, but for me, it is the more sensible and practical thing to do. And I'm sure my kids will love me to bits just as much, just like I love my mom :)

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Lists Lists Lists!

When it comes to labour planning, pregnancy management and baby rearing, there is no end to To-Do lists that one ends p making. Here are some important lists that come in handy when planning for your baby's arrival, in the Indian context. Thanks to all my friends for helping me put this together!

Stuff to carry to the hospital:

Mom
1 Paperwork: medical/insurance
2 Books (What to expect, others), notepad, pen
3 purse with wallet etc, Cell phone, charger
4 going home outfit, feeding pillow
5 disposable panties, nursing bras, sanitary pad
6 toiletries, towels, bathroom slippers
7 Water, medicines, candies


BABY
1 Baby book – record firsts
2 baby care pack, sanitizer
3 bottles and brush
4 Diapers and disposer bags
5 Towel set, pillow, burp cloth
6 jhablas, mittens, socks, cap
7 plastic sheet, bed sheet, wrapping sheet, blanket
8 comb, nail cutter, scissors, medicines


Stuff to buy for the baby:

Baby big stuff:

Tub, Pram, 1 set bedding
Cot+mobile with lights/music
breast pump n sterilizer
Baby carrier/sling
Car seat/bassinet
Car diaper bag, diaper bag
water proof bed-spread 
baby net, Baby monitor
bathing chair
feeding bottles, brush

Baby small stuff

face and hand towels/napkins
bibs, hand mitts, socks, blanket
burp cloths, waterproof lap covers
baby thermometer
bottles and brush
Diapers and disposer bags
Toiletries, hand sanitizer
Clothes : onesies/jhablas, cut sheets
Rattles, teethers, soothers
Bottle cover, bottle/food warmer
Bath towels, plastic sheet, bed sheet, 
wrapping sheet, sleep/body suits
comb, nail cutter, scissors
liquid cleanser, clothes softener, detergent 

Mom stuff:

Nursing nighties and bras
sanitary napkins, disposable panties
breast pads, Front open tops/kurtas,
feeding pillow and perinial cushion

Is there anything like planning a birth?

Yes there is. Of course its all destiny/in God's hand when and how the baby arrives. But it doesnt hurt for us to know what we want and communicate the same to the doctor/hospital where we intent to deliver. attaching below a sample birth plan for your benefit. Hope it helps! :)

Sample Birth Plan

Name: ABC
Husband’s Name: XYZ
Gynaecologist name: Dr JKL
Hospital: PQR

Attendants:
Who would you like to be present during labour/birth

Amenities
Any stuff you want to bring to the labour room (eg. books/music) or want from the hospital's end (eg. birthing ball)

Once admitted:
Whether you want to be mobile, eat or drink or not.

Interventions:
You opinion on labour induction, vacuum or forceps delivery

Pain Relief
whether you want any pain managing options like epidurals.

Vaginal Birth
what you think about episiotomy

C Section
who will be there, do you want to see the baby being delivered

Cord blood banking
if you are banking cord blood, mention details and procedures

After delivery
How soon do you want to feed, rooming the baby with you or in nursery, how soon can people visit you and baby, how much and how often you want to see baby in nursery/NICU, who will oversee procedures and be with baby if mother cant, do you wat someone to stay nights in your room etc.

Feeding:
specify if you want to breastfeed exclusively / partially or not at all. what you can/cant allow hospital staff to give the baby (water/formula/pacifier/sugar water), if you need any breastfeeding sessions/support

Medical Information
Whatever medical conditions you have which need to be monitored rigorously during labour, birth and afterwards.

Friday, August 2, 2013

The Hullabaloo of the Indian Pregnancy

Sometimes I wonder why is there so much hallabaloo regarding pregnancy in india???
I see such weird attitudes/reactions from WOMEN all around me:

1. Dont tell anyone you are planning: nazar lag jayegi, and you wont be able to conceive? What crap! If at all given our sex ed levels, sharing plans may help with tips, and important information.

2. If you realise you are pregnant, dont tell anyone for 3 months except family: nazar lag jayegi, you will end up miscarrying? or it will be embarrassing or sad if you tell everyone and then miscarry? Again, telling people wont affect anything, and miscarriages etc can happen after 3 months also. What then?

3. No matter how obviously pregnant you are, dont announce it to the world, put it up on social networking sites, click pictures of baby bump etc.: its bad luck? Cmon people around the world send announcement mails/postcards asap, put up baby bump pics everywhere. Nothing happens to them! If you're a private person I understand, but just to keep it all hush hush cuz we are indian is so stupid!

4. dont keep names or buy baby stuff before birth: bad luck - what if baby dies? well thats an eventuality all of us must be aware of. but why does it stop us from planning? in my opinion its dumb to run around buying stuff AFTER the baby is born: its too last moment and chaotic! buying stuff or deciding names in advance doesnt jinx pregnancy or baby. it just helps.

5. heavily pregnant women wear loose fitting clothes, or cover huge baby bumps with dupattas, as if doing this will hide the fact that they are pregnant: nazar lag jayegi? Seriously is pregnancy something to be hidden, be embarrassed about, be ashamed of? Why do u wanna hide? whats so uncomfortable in people knowing ur pregnant? that u had sex with your partner? cmon grow up!

6. baby's father/family members not allowed/wanted during birthing: its indecent, interfering. Again, ur ok with stranger doctors and nurses prying your legs apart and exposing your modesty for everyone to see when you are in labour but not allowing/wanting baby father or own mother, both of whom have seen u naked, to be there to support you (in case its a normal birth n there are no issues) is so archaic. Whats the big deal yaar?

Once the baby is born there are a million dos and donts: put nazar ka teeka, dont go out for 2 months, mom should or shouldnt eat xyz things, etc etc etc. 90% of these things have NO scientific base but we so called educated people still go on following this bullshit blindly! I personally find it very old fashioned and stupid. Wonder when we will come out of the dark ages!

Parents are Parents, not free babysitters.

While its very nice of parents to pitch in when their children have new born babies, for couples to depend entirely on their parents/in-laws to supervise and run after their little ones so that they can get back to work/enjoy a social life is unfair in my opinion.

Our parents have done their bit of running around and managing little infants/toddlers, which is anything but easy. And to make them relive that in their 60s is torture. They may still do it out of love or obligation, they may even say that they like it, dont mind it. But I think its highly selfish for us to pass the buck to them to get our own lives back.

Sure its nice to leave the kids with parents once in while for a weekend or a quick trip alone. But not every day forever. When you have kids, learn to take responsibility for them completely. Our parents managed us without pawning us off to others, we should do the same. Hire a nanny, leave them at a creche/playschool, do whatever it takes, but please dont make your parents miserable. They have a life, a routine of their own which gets affected if they are stuck at home 24x7 looking after your kids. Let them live their sunset years in peace.

Children or puppets/circus animal?

What is it with parents and their sudden urge to make a spectacle out of their kids in front of other people? I pity those poor toddlers who are made to stand in front of random strangers sometimes, so their parents/grandparents can show off their talents - "beta show aunty your eyes, nose, fingers, tongue.... give flying kiss, say hi, say namaste, say bye.." The drama goes on.

Is it a competition for the kids? "My kid knows more than other kids, is more intelligent/better?" or for the parents? "See I'm such an amazing parent I've taught my kid stuff ahead of his/her age!" What do we gain by doing this? Build confidence in the kid to face the big bad world ahead in life full of competition? Or feel good about our own parenting skills?

Honestly I don't know about how much this helps building confidence. I just see kids being hassled into learning stuff they might not even understand, and performing for every person they come across whether they feel like or not, just like circus animals. And I see highly competitive women who jealously shove their kids into other people's faces to feel superior. I just don't get the point.

Sure, one should teach the kid as much about the world around from day one, but for the benefit of the child, not for showoff. When will parents understand that this whole peer pressure, competition they worry their children will face in the future, is propagated by them only since the beginning? If only we weren't so competitive and judge everyone by certain fixed standards, our children would truly have more room to grow freely.

One child rule in India: Solution to social ills or infringement of basic human rights?

The other day I was reading about the very sad state of women and children health in India when a thought occurred to me:

What if we stop poor, starving, uneducated, unemployed, undernourished people to have children? Or at least restrict them to having one child only a la China?

Urban, educated people these days are spending more time on education, career n other life goals. Reproducing a litter is not their priority. They are more rational n meticulous about family planning n have children only if they can afford to give them a good lifestyle. Many couples are opting for single child policy. And some, no child policy.

But the poor, uneducated people continue to reproduce at a crazy rate: having children after children while they can't properly bring up even one. Educating them about small family benefits isn't working. Giving them jobs or free education isnt working. Giving their children free health n education isnt helping. Empowering women n girl children isnt helping. We are still losing 2 million children and mothers every year.

Will a drastic rule on prohibition on having children if you cant afford them work, if there was a way to successfully implement it?

I know such a rule denies one the basic right to have as many children as one wants but being allowed that isn't working either, either for the individuals or the country. Something worth thinking, no?

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Prenatal Classes: getting ready to be parents!

Another thing which is in vogue these days which was virtually unheard of a few years ago, is the firang concept of Prenatal Classes. The idea is to prepare to-be parents for pregnancy, birth and thereafter, through a series of topic based group sessions. Women can come alone or get their partners along, and learn in a classroom environment, with notes, videos, discussions and exercises. Not sure about the smaller cities, but these classes have surely become very popular with people in Delhi and Mumbai.


The reaction to these classes varies from "they are the best thing to have happened to me" to "what firang non sense, just a ploy to make money by fooling people". Personally I too was in two minds when faced with the option: these classes cost anywhere between 6-10k, and one needs to make sure they are worth it before opting for them. So are they worth it? Depends on what you think about preparation for parenthood. If you are confident and of the opinion it is no big deal, parenthood has been the same over the past few decades, and you will learn everything there is to know from your family, then better not to waste money. However for couples who don't have the wisdom of parents (live away from hometown or parents cant be there during pregnancy and later), or would like to know the challenges and scenarios in the modern world as far as the many experiences and decisions of pregnancy and childbirth are concerned, should really consider taking it up. Plus taking the class ensures that the father also gets involved, which is a typical complaint of women all over the world!

So if you do decide to go for these classes, what all do you get to learn? There are many aspects of the process which are covered in various classes. There are yoga classes where they teach you exercises to do during pregnancy and after childbirth, beneficial for both baby and mother. There are Lamaze classes which help prepare mothers for birth without intervention: through massages, breathing techniques, movements and positions favouring natural birth. There are birth preparation classes which talk about nutrition during pregnancy, vaginal birth stages, cesarean birth process, breastfeeding techniques, pre and post natal changes in the body etc. There are also spiritual and hypnobirthing classes which train women to bond with their babies through the womb, and prepare for childbirth and pain without resorting to medication, through meditation etc. Depending on the time and money you can spare you can choose some or all of these classes to attend. Some institutes may offer a combination of these classes so you can get more in a single package. Typically these classes are to be attended from 2nd trimester onwards. There are standalone programs offered by institutes or individuals, and your hospital where you  register may also have some plans.


Personally I would suggest taking atleast a combination birth preparation class like Rita Shah's Nine Months Program in Mumbai. It includes exercises, breathing techniques and elaborate notes on various aspects of pregnancy, childbirth and post natal experiences. The other "fancy" stuff like hypnobirthing, bonding through the womb, etc are optional. Prenatal classes are beneficial as not only do the instructors give you a present world perspective on the latest trends of nutrition, childbirth techniques, exercises and breathing; the classes also serve as a great place to meet similar minded pregnant women one can make friends with, compare notes on pregnancy and bond over babies. Even if you choose not to take any classes, you can always pick up a CD on prenatal Yoga, like that of Lara Dutta, which includes both exercises, breathing and meditation techniques. As for the birth preparation, it is always good to keep in touch with other expecting mothers, and any family members who may be able to coach you well through your journey. At the same time, do not go googling everything on the internet: sometimes overdose of information is more harmful than useful, and can confuse or scare you. Also do not go asking advice from everyone, as again people may have conflicting opinions which may not be consistent with scientific facts. As we all know, everyone in India is a doctor and an expert on everything, and always has free advice! :)

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Nutrition during pregnancy : You are what you eat!

Much has been said about what should be eaten and when and how, and what not; during pregnancy. From new age ideas backed with scientific evidence, to age old dadi maa's nuskhas, there is so much to know, to follow, to be careful about. Many a times there are contrasting opinions on certain foods/drinks, or eating habits, which make a mommy-to-be very confused. I understand everyone from the doctors to the family mean well for the mothers, but following every bit of advice to the T is also not easy. Yes as a mom we want to ensure we consume the right stuff which is required and healthy for us and the baby, but sometimes we cant help but cheat on the rigorous routine to satisfy our cravings! :D




That said, planning out your meals, the content, the quantity, the timing, is very important. And there is no one template for all: every woman has different needs and reactions to food, and thus the diet should be followed accordingly. Couple of things to be kept in mind:

1. Consistent Weight gain:

It is total nonsense that once you get pregnant you need to eat for two. You need to eat only for yourself, but eat well and healthy so the baby gets all the nutrition it needs from you. Overeating especially in the first trimester will only lead to digestion issues and too much weight gain. In the first trimester ideally one gains little or no weight, in fact some even lose weight due to nausea/vomiting. In the second trimester one should put on maybe a kilo per month. Its only in the third trimester that one should pack in the pounds as by then the baby's development is complete and it's all about growing big. How much weight gain is ok? For a petite structured woman, 16-20 kgs is required. For an average weight woman, 11-16 kgs. For overweight moms, 7-11 kgs should be the aim.

2. Balanced diet as per your health:

Now as an individual you may like or dislike some foods, may or may not follow a "balanced diet". Once you get pregnant your priorities, including diet, have to change. Whether you like them or not, you would need to get your daily dose of fruits, veggies, milk, water, nuts etc. You may be advised to reduce salt intake to avoid swelling, or sugar intake to maintain baby's glucose levels. You may have to quit your favourite foods or eat/drink stuff you hate. Especially if you have a chronic condition like diabetes, hypertension etc like me, you will need to follow a strict diet to avoid any complications towards the end. Ask me, it has been difficult to manage the long list of Dos and Donts, but in the end it is all worth it. Just a matter of a few months for your baby, once its born you have more control on what you eat. More, not full, because then the advise for nursing diet starts: there is really no end to this actually! Haha!

3. Quality, Quantity, Timing:

Its very important to choose the right kind of calories to consume, in the right quantities and at the right time. All experts recommend going for six small meals rather than three big meals. So instead of your usual breakfast. lunch, dinner routine, it is better to go for breakfast, morning snack, lunch, evening snack, dinner, late night snack. Smaller quantities makes it easier for the body to digest the food, given the increasing pressure of the uterus on the stomach. Spaced out meals help with nausea, indigestion, gas/acidity etc. Equally important is to choose the right calories: substitute maida with whole wheat/multigrain bread, parathas with roti, white rice with brown rice, processed foods with fresh foods. Prefer to eat freshly cooked food and drink freshly squeezed juices over readymade, from the can/tin variety. While some doctors are against eating out at all during pregnancy, you can indulge once in a while in good food prepared hygienically in a good restaurant: given you're pregnant and not allowed medication, falling sick is not a good position to be in. Always prefer home cooked food made in minimum oil and masala to outside food.



This brings us to the next point of discussion: what are the main nutrients required, in what quantity and what foods/drinks can give them to me? Lets go one by one:

1. Calcium

Calcium as we all know is very important for the growth of the baby's bone structure. So even if you take enough calcium in your diet, your doctor will still make you have supplements. During pregnancy a minimum of 1200 mg of calcium is required, even more if you have an existing deficiency. Along with Calcium its also important to consume Vitamin D3 as it helps in the absorption of the same. Top sources for Calcium are all milk and milk products. Other sources include seeds like pumpkin, flaxseeds; beans like channa and rajma; almonds, oranges, bananas in fruits and nuts; in vegetables methi and drumsticks. Those who have lactose intolerance can go for home made curd, paneer, buttermilk; and soya milk.

2. Iron

Iron and folic acid are again the most important nutrients that a pregnant woman must consume. Pregnant women need a healthy hemoglobin level to sustain themselves during pregnancy  and a steady supply of folic acid ensures there are no neuro tube defects in the baby. In addition, DHA vitamins help with baby's brain development. Again no matter how healthy you are and how much of all this you get in your diet, your doctor will insist on a supplemental pill to fulfil your requirements. Apart from the pills, you can get your daily fix of iron from all green and leafy vegetables and peas, exceptions being beetroot and tomato which are red but have ample amount of iron. Apart from nuts, a lot of fruits are also iron rich: apples, pomegranate to name a few. In non vegetarian food, red meat and sea food are rich sources. Having Vitamin C rich fruits and juices helps with good absorption of iron. On the other hand never consume iron and calcium tablets together as they interfere with each other.

3. Vitamins

While Vitamins A, E, K are also required by the body, apart from Vitamin D that one has along with calcium, the most important Vitamins required during pregnancy are Vitamins B complex and C. Vitamin C is required for a lot of metabolic processes for mom and baby and since it cant be stored, one needs a fresh supple daily of the same. Most requirements can be fulfilled through diet, but if needed, supplements can be taken. Vitamin B complex has a lot of vitamins in the family and all requirements may not be fulfilled through diet so in most cases doctors suggest going for a Vit B complex supplement. Some rich sources of vitamins are: citrus fruits and juices, green and yellow fruits and vegetables and their juices. The more colourful your food and drinks, the better. However, remember a lot of nutrients from fruits and veggies are lost during cooking, so have enough raw fruits and salads as well.

4. Proteins

Proteins are probably the most important requirement for a baby to grow. The amount of protein the mother consumes directly affects the physical growth of the baby. Many calcium rich products are good sources of proteins as well. The best sources of proteins are: all dairy products, seafood, red and white meat. For vegetarians, beans, peas, lentils are good sources, along with whole grains and nuts, sprouts and roasted channa. Vegetarians may have trouble in getting enough proteins from their diet as animal proteins are superior and better absorbed by human body than plant proteins, so they may have to make more efforts in their diet or take protein powders if insufficient.

5. Fibre

During pregnancy, due to hormonal changes, many women face constipation. Since pregnant women cant have a lot of medicines, including fibre in food is very important. Substitute Maida with whole wheat as much as possible. Add whole grains like jowar, bajra, etc which are fibrous and nutritious and fulfilling as they have complex carbohydrates. Oats, muesli, dates, prunes and figs, are very good sources of fibre. When eating fruits, don't remove the outer skin. In vegetables, cabbage, cauliflower and broccoli are very good.

6. Carbohydrates and Fats

Carbohydrates and fat give you the energy which is required to maintain the levels of metabolism during pregnancy. Most of your grains, beans, protein consumption will also make up for your carbohydrate and fat requirement. However the trick is to get the right kind of carbs and fat. Go for whole grain over refined carbs, brown rice over white, wholewheat over regular pasta/pizza, olive oil over ghee, margarine over butter, etc. The idea is to get energy but also not pile on those pounds too quickly, as after the baby it will be a challenge to get rid of them!

7. Fluids

Last but definitely not the least, pregnant women need to keep themselves hydrated sufficiently. Apart from keeping the body healthy, toxin free, keeping the skin clear, helping with digestion; it also aids in production of amniotic fluid which is essential for the baby. Adequate fluids also ensures no swelling or UTIs. Usually we are in airconditioned environment at work or home and do not end up drinking much water, but during pregnancy one must force themselves to drink at least 2 litres. Not all fluid has to come from plain water: mix it with lemon, syrups; or have milk, juices, coconut water, soups etc for variety. Good helpings of fresh vegetables and fruits also provides fluids.

That's it? Oh no. How can a lesson on eating habits be complete without a list of Donts!


  • avoid unpasteurized milk products and soft cheese
  • avoid raw papayas and pineapples
  • avoid raw eggs and seafood and meat
  • avoid food cooked and kept for more than a day
  • avoid herbal teas and sugar substitutes
  • avoid raw veggies, fruits, sprouts from outside
  • avoid coffee, tea and caffeine rich drinks, and chocolate
  • consume salt and sugar in moderation
  • OBVIOUSLY NO DRINKING, SMOKING, DRUGS
Well that brings us to the end of the long lecture on nutrition. There is so much to have and also to avoid. So many conflicting opinions. My suggestion: eat what you like, in moderation, and if in doubt just say no. Do your best but dont get stressed about getting the right amount of everything or eating something wrong. Our bodies are miraculously built to manage us as well as our babies, and nature knows how to make do best with whatever we give ourselves. Have faith in yourself and whatever you eat or drink, think of the baby. Your baby will tell you what is right! :)



Tuesday, February 12, 2013

The great Indian baby planning!


In India, the three things that are most important in life are: birth, marriage, and death. Much has been said about marriage and death. What about birth? Having a baby in India is a family affair, and not a personal choice. It all starts from the day you decide to get married.

Talking about a typical Hindu North Indian wedding scenario, there is a function that's always there: god bharayi. When all the married women from both the bride and groom's family come together and bless the to-be-bride with fertility (specifically bearing a baby boy). The girl sits down with a doll in her lap, and women come and bless her with money and dry fruits and sweets and what not, hoping for a baby to be born ASAP.

Once a couple is married, within reasonable time (from a few months to a year or two, depending upon their ages and level of family conservatism), one or both sides of the family start pushing the couple to bear children. Whether they are ready or not. There is always a teary eyed grandma hoping to see her great grandson before she dies, or a mother/mother-in-law requesting the couple to bear kids as long as she is in good health so she can help with the baby. It seems everyone needs a baby more than the couple in question who actually have to physically give birth to, and financially/mentally/emotionally take care of the child.

And if parents were not enough, as we grow up, we hear of stories everyday of xyz getting married, and abc having a baby. Peer pressure is just as bad. Parents see their siblings' children having babies, or their children's friends having babies, and their yearning becomes stronger. "dekho ab to tumhari friend manisha, jo tumse badi hai. ka bhi baby ho gaya, tum kiska wait kar rahi ho? jaldi karo warna kahin der na ho jaye."

Its assumed that after marriage, having babies is the natural progression. Sooner or later the couple will realise this and start planning for a baby. But today things aren't that simple. Many couples don't want to rush into having children, and many even decide never to have kids at all! Its a tough life for them to fight against all the pressure from all sides, but such is life in the Indian society. Of course there are some lucky few who want to have kids and thus aren't perturbed by the constant winking at every function by everyone - "kyun bhai good news kab suna rahe ho?" Or they have never been pushed by their own family at least and can plan as per their convenience.



Once the news is out that the couple has started planning, start all the suggestions and advice. When to start planning, how to do it, which days etc etc. Friends, family, Internet.... there is no dearth of information pouring in. Enough to make a couple so overwhelmed that they may give it up midway or never plan again!:P
'
But its still nothing compared to the hell that breaks loose when you actually confirm you are pregnant. A huge list of Dos and Donts is shared and regular updates are taken by everyone (more than the doctor) on your eating, workout, sleeping etc routines. "Have 2 glasses of milk every day, have 5 white almonds and walnuts, don't have pineapple or papaya, don't sleep on your stomach, don't have sex, don't exert yourself, don't stay in bed, pray everyday. Don't tell anyone in the first trimester else you will miscarry due to buri nazar". etc etc

Haha. Buri Nazar. Evil Eye. Bad wishes for you by others. Who don't like you, want to ruin your life. I don't understand why all the buri nazar of the world resides in India? Are we such horrible people that we cause tragedy in people's lives by just looking at them in a way or wishing bad for them? Abroad, people tell everyone excitedly about their pregnancy and are so open about the whole thing. No evil eyes there? Its so stupid. Forget telling others, sometimes people have issues telling their own parents. How do you tell you male father-in-law that you are pregnant? Cuz its embarrassing? Cuz one gets pregnant by having sex? Well hello! The father in law also did that to make the husband. So whats the big deal? I fail to understand.

Once the pregnancy starts to progress, there are more terms and conditions. Don't travel, don't drive a car, don't go out much, don't be out in the sun, don't wear heels, don't wear western clothes, don't eat or drink xyz stuff. Cover your baby bump when you are out. Pray tell me why??? Again - Buri Nazar. For God's sake if you are pregnant and showing, covering yourself with a scarf will not hide it! Also clicking baby bump pictures or announcing on facebook will not lead to a miscarriage! We are such an insecure bunch of people!


Towards the end of the pregnancy, all the post birthing gyaan starts: how to manage labour, what to eat/drink to make it easy, what to do after birth, with self and baby etc. And also start the last leg of advices: don't decide on names or buy any clothes or baby furniture before the birth, its ill luck, Well its more practical in my opinion than anything to be ready for the baby before the baby arrives. I want to have a name in place so my baby isn't christened munnu guddi after birth for weeks, and I'd rather have all the stuff ready so I'm good to go as soon as I'm home. I still don't get any scientific connection between preparing for a baby leading to disasters.

The funniest thing though, is all the baby gender prediction: based on the shape and size of tummy, the complexion of the mother, the way she walks or her cravings, people are 100% sure what the gender is. Again there is no scientific connection of all this with gender, and whatever your belief is, you have a high chance 50% being right about the gender, so don't gloat! :P

Last but not the least when the mother goes into labour, comes the question: will the father go into the labour room with her and witness the birth? Well unlike Western countries, its still a new concept in India for the fathers to be allowed inside the labour room by hospitals, and for fathers willing to sit through the ordeal. I can imagine its not a small deal to see your wife writhing in labour pain, and all the blood and stuff which accompanies birth. But most men today take that step and go in with their wives and hold their hands through it all. still there are many who object to this cuz its embarrassing or disturbing. well i think every husband should be forced to be in the labour room to appreciate what his wife is going through to bring their child into the world, it will help increase the respect they have for the wives. And embarrassing? C'mon, its less embarrassing for your husband to see you half naked than the dozen doctors and nursing staff that will hover around you for hours, prying your legs apart and staring at your privates! Grow up people!

Baby is out? Congratulations and good luck with all the stuff that follows. Make baby wear old, worn out clothes, after baby no going out for 40 days, keeping head covered, tying up the tummy to keep it slim, making baby wear sacred threads around the neck pr wrists and putting kohl on forehead or eyes to ward off the famous Buri Nazar... there is no end to post natal advice for both mom and baby, which unfortunately has no scientific base and clashes with the doctor's advise. Managing what the doctor has said, with expectations and eagerness of grandparents to unfurl all their knowledge of child rearing can be quite a task, as there is a good chance you will end up upsetting the "bade buzurg" by your "modern ideas". "what are you telling us, this new age nonsense... you doubt us? we had more children than you at a much younger age!" True that Mummyji, no offense but it would be great if you allow the actual mom and dad to make the important decisions on bringing up their baby :)



A I was thinking about all this and more, I put up a post on cultural influence on pregnancy, on a pregnancy group online, and to my surprise, I learnt that there are many such beliefs in other countries as well! A sample of answers I got:

  • Mexico: if someone is staring at your baby and wants to touch him/her but doesn't, the baby will be super fussy, don't cross legs after baby, don't bend, don't cut hair of baby before one year
  • Africa: not step out for first 6 weeks as body is fragile
  • New Zealand: mother not allowed to cut hair or fingernails
  • Philippines: don't eat bacon, eggplant and crab; don't bathe for 10 days after birth, eat light coloured foods to ensure complexion of baby is fair; and the best: if you sleep on your back, put a hand on your tummy else the monsters will get the baby! :P
So it seems its not just India but other cultures as well which have their amazingly fascinating beliefs and traditions regarding pregnancy and childbirth. While its fun to talk about them, let's hope all parents around the world get the opportunity to make the decisions they think are right for themselves and the baby, and the families/friends/society helps rather than inhibits them in doing the same!

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Cord Blood Banking: Expensive whim or useful tool?

While it is quite popular in western countries, Cord Blood Banking (CBB), a relatively unknown phenomenon until a few years ago, has surely come of age in Urban India.

Since time immemorial, the umbilical cord and blood have been discarded immediately after birth, as they were deemed to have no value once the baby is out. However, with exponential advancement in medical research in the field of genetics in the past decade or so, the concept of CBB has garnered ample interest lately. Today you can arrange for the cord blood and cells to be harvested during birth, and preserved for 21 years. The blood/cells can be used for medical therapy in curing various diseases, not just for the baby from whom it was extracted, but also its siblings, parents or even grandparents.


Why does one need CBB? Blood and stem cells found the in the umbilical cord binding a mother and baby have been used in studies to cure cancer, blood related and other congenital diseases. So if you have a family history of such diseases, chances are that going for CBB can help the baby and possibly other related family members with the diseases. But what if you do not have a history of these diseases? Medical researchers are looking at expanding the use of the stem cells to cure other diseases as well, like heart disease, diabetes, strokes etc. It is expected that with time, the uses of cord blood will increase manifold.

However, there is also a flip side to CBB: Currently cord blood cells can help with limited diseases only, and although research promises more uses in time, some people may not find that a good enough reason to go for it in case they do not have history of blood/cancer diseases. Secondly even if there is a family member with a disease that can be addressed by CBB, the cells may not be a match and hence be useless for that case. Last but not the least, there is a cost involved with CBB: anything from Rs 75000 to Rs 500000 for preservation for 21 years; depending on the processing method and multiplication of cells required.

So what's the verdict on CBB? I asked a lot of first time moms in my pre-natal class. Many of them were aware of CBB and had signed up with some or the other bank. Some were still thinking about it. There were also others who did not seem to like the idea, and had flatly refused to go for it. Either ways, everyone knew about it, even if they did not opted for it. When I asked the Lamaze instructor, she refused to comment, saying that she doesnt believe in promoting or snubbing CBB as its not a well established enough practise yet: it is up to the couple to take an independent decision. My gynecologist was more forthcoming: he was clear about the limitation of uses but still suggested we think about it, in case it ends up helping. Most of his patients - young, educated, urban couples in Mumbai, are going for it these days. He however refused to promote a particular bank and requested us to make a choice based on own research.

Personally, being the MBA couple we are, we applied game theory to make this decision:
it was better to go for it just in case it comes handy, if it doesnt then it's just a small affordable cost. But in case it could be used and we did not go for it, the loss will be much more.


And so we did our research and educated ourselves with the cord blood banks in India, the uses of CBB, actual success stories, various options/costs/payment methods, references from people who have done it etc. And finally we zeroed-in on CryoBanks.

So what happens once you finalise a bank? You contact them, they come over with a presentation and lots of material for you to read on the theory of CBB and actual application and success stories. They also inform you about the benefits and limitations, the way they process and preserve the cells, their policies and costs, and various options depending on your needs. Once you are on board, they take a detailed note of medical history of both mother and father and their families. Once the agreement is signed and all paperwork finished, they provide you with a collection kit which you need to carry as is to the hospital when you go into the labour. Most good banks have tie-ups with all the major hospitals in major cities, and the hospital staff is well aware of the protocol. The moment the mother goes into labour, she is to inform the bank, so they can come in time and collect the blood/cells. It takes hardly a few minutes and is a safe and painless procedure. Once teh samples are collected, they are tested to see if they can be preserved. In case they cannot, any money paid is refunded minus basic expenses. If all goes well, the blood/cells are banked and you get regular updates on the status. At the end of 21 years the agreement lapses but can be renewed if required.

Ideally people bank the cord blood/cells from the first baby. If a couple has more than one children, it is generally considered a waste of money to bank their blood/cells as well, as the amount of stem cells that can be multiplied and used from the first baby are enough to help the whole family. However, in case the first sample doesnt yield results for a family member due to matching issues, people may undertake CBB for second/future children too.

So what to look for in a cord blood bank:
  • it should be well reputed with experience in the arena
  • it should have state of the art facilities for preservation
  • it should have a good network with hospitals and easy to reach customer support
  • it should have transparent and customer friendly agreement and policies, and no hidden charges
What options does one have in India? The top three cord blood banks (basis popularity) are:
CryoBank , LifeCell , CordLife

In the end, irrespective of research and expert opinion, CBB is a highly personal decision that every couple today is faced with : it is like having a bio-insurance. It pays off if it comes handy in case of a disease. If it doesn't, it was just payment for insurance. And that's a call everyone takes when the time comes.

Friday, February 1, 2013

What is in a name?



What is in a name? Ummm... these days? Everything.

Today the young generation wants to be different. And they want to start with a different name. Earlier people were named after Gods, family members etc, but today there is a more definite purpose behind naming a child. After all, a lot is inferred these days about a person by the name he/she carries. Not only does a name give a hint of where the person hails from, it also forms a mental first impression.

A lot of people believe a name describes a person, or his/her talents/features. Many people also believe that a name can also shape a person's destiny. Hence the importance of keeping a name suitable to the child's looks, personality and future: not an easy task at all. I know of people who have lost so much sleep over choosing a name for the baby that they have had no names for months after birth! But it need not be so difficult if you have a clear strategy and know what you want. So how do people select names?

Gone are the days when people were given old fashioned auntyji/uncleji names like Suresh, Kamla; name siblings similar names like Chintu Pintu, Anju Manju, Seeta Geeta; or even recently the done to death common names like Neha and Rahul. In Hindu North Indian families in the 80s, people started to look for new, different names for their babies. There was a wave of long names like Vikramaditya, Adityavir, Malavika, Avantika, etc. And also very uncommon pure Hindi names, like Anaadi, Nachiket, Amrapali, Tanishtha etc. But typically all names were Hindu, and had origins in Hindi/Sanskrit.

Since the 2000s, things have changed even further. A lot of people started to mishmash their own names to make baby names: Anish and Ishita choose Anita, Aditya and Vani choose Adiva etc. I for one, wanted a simple yet unique name for my child. I also wanted sensible and in vogue names which wont make my child hate me forever for naming them that. E.g. naming a kid born in 2013 Pinky or Bhupender! :P Today I personally feel there is a need for global names: names which are easy to spell and pronounce, and at the same time, neutral without giving strong hints about the person's background : so that when one hears the name they do not automatically draw stereotypes about the person.

For instance, today it is very easy to figure out an adult Indian's name, and also analyse which state/region or religion they belong to. For example, many South Indians are named traditionally after gods, like Karthik or Bala. Bengali people have a strong flavour of their language in their names, like Shraboni or Moitreya. Gujarati names are also easy to point out: Snehal, Tejal, Jignesh. More than states, its easier ti figure out religion from first names: Iqbal or Ahmed are definitely Muslim, Paul or Karen are Christians, Jatinder and Sukhvinder Sardars and Manish and Bhavna are Hindus.

So I wanted a name which is not just smart to hear and gives a positive impression on people but also a neutral in nature. I was very open to names with non-Indian origins, like Latin, Arabic, Japanese, African etc. And so began my journey of hunting for names, for both a baby boy and a girl, since I don't know what I'm having. I cant imagine how people used to looks for names earlier, when there weren't so many books and websites dedicated to baby names! I personally sifted through a few books and a million websites, scouring through names from all origins, looking for something special, yet unique. Mind you, it isn't easy to do this, keeping the sensibilities of the extended family in mind - "you are keeping a firang name for your kid?" "doesnt that name sound very Christian/Muslim? You sure it's appropriate?" Apart from that the personal choices of both parents can really make this a daunting task.

But thankfully I started with the premise that whatever my husband and I choose as names, has to be accepted by the family, whether they like it or not. Everyone is free to suggest names but the final decision will be ours, and ours only. No offense. And that's what we did. After painstakingly going through various options, we made a final list of a dozen names for boys and girls. We shared them with friends and family and based on their votes and our personal liking, chose the names. The names are not very common, simple to spell and pronounce, neutral/global in appeal. Just like I wanted. Just one hitch though: I'm very touchy about my baby's name. If my baby is named Aryan, please call him Aryan. From the moment he is born. Not Chunnu, Munnu, Chhotu, Chintu, Pintu. I abhor stupid nick names. Small simple names don't require nick names. Im also not in the favour of my children having a "good/school name" and a "home name": like the formal name is Aditya, but home name is Manu. I dont wish to confuse my child. I want him/her to relate to just one name that becomes THEM. I hope I can avoid shortening of names/nicknaming by others for my little one!!

Anyway! Thank God a huge task is over. But who am I kidding? The hugest tasks don't even begin before the baby's birth! But that's ok, getting the names in place is one more tick off my never-ending to-do list! Here is wishing all the to-be parents in choosing names for their little ones! :)

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Sex Determination: To do or not to do?

Once it was confirmed that I was pregnant and carrying a healthy single baby in my uterus, the next question that came to me was: is it a boy or a girl?

Now I come from a family which believes in two-child theory: one child is a lonely child. If you ask me, Id love to be mommy to both a boy and a girl. Since I myself am an older sister to my brother, I too prefer to have an older daughter. I personally feel older sisters have a calming effect on younger brothers, and nurture them well. While older brothers are fantastic caretakers of younger sisters too, I feel they tend to be more protective and thus end up curtailing their sisters' lives.

Apart from that, I can tell you, a part of every woman wants to have a baby girl, for the sheer pleasure of having a girl to dress up in pretty dresses, shoes, accessories and hairstyles. It's like we women like to live vicariously through our lil girls :) Plus there also goes an adage "A son is a son till wife, a daughter is a daughter for life." While different people may have different experiences with their children, I really do feel daughters are more inclined to get involved in taking care of their parents, with their physical presence if not financially, than boys. Also many people like my husband also believe girls are perfect angels as kids, while boys are little devils. Given all this, it was clear we both want a girl very strongly. Not that if we were to have a boy we would leave him back in the hospital! :P


Why does one want to know the sex of the unborn child? Well people like me just want to know because we are curious. And also so we can plan the baby shopping, as well as names accordingly. It's not a big deal, just something fun to know and prepare for! However, unfortunately, a majority of Indian people, even in urban society, hanker for the male child. And end up aborting female fetuses if they find out. Why such craze for a male child? Too many reasons: carry on the family name, financial support during old age, dowry and maid for free on marriage... While girls are just bad investment: you clothe them, feed them, educate them, marry them off - basically pay for them forever and never get any returns. Not a good business proposition. So better to get rid of them while you can, and have as many boys as possible to secure your future.

It may sound crazy but this attitude is still prevalent in today's society, even in the so called "educated" urban families. I have seen myself how the in laws get crestfallen at the birth of a girl child but celebrate with pomp and splendour when a boy arrives. Even if they do not abort or kill the baby girl when she is born, they discriminate against her when it comes to lifestyle, education and other basic amenities: brothers are always favoured over sisters when it comes to decide where to spend the money. It hurts me to see this kind of discrimination. But it is a sad fact of Indian society.

World Sex ratio is 1007 females per 1000 males, while the same for India is a dismal 940 females per 1000 males. Statistically it is seen more girls are born compared to boys. But in India, thanks to the skewed attitude, already 60 females per 1000 males are missing, primarily due to female foeticide or infanticide. And to curb this, the Indian Govt took the step of banning sex determination in India in 1994. Now no doctor across India, can convey to any patient in any way the sex of their unborn child. Of course this doesn't mean that it doesnt happen. It still does, discretely, and the sex ratio continues to suffer.

And also suffer couples like us who have no intention to murder the girl child and in fact want girl children. (Not that we would abort a boy child for a girl!). Thanks to the idiotic illiterate majority of Indians, I am unable to legally find out the sex of my baby. Which I think I have all the rights to find out if I want. People say its ok, a few suffer for the benefit of many. It is collateral damage. But I am not so sure it works. The only thing one can curb by making sex determination illegal, is female foeticide. But when you force people to have children without knowing the gender, they keep having girls one after the other for a boy, and thus compromise the life they give to so many children. It doesn't help the existing population issue in the country. And by curbing this you cannot guarantee that after the girl is born she will be allowed to live! After all there is no visibility into or ban on female infanticide. If not killed, baby girls may be brought up very poorly with bare minimum nutrition, education etc. And in some cases little girls are also sold off to human traffickers for money. Do people really think that by forcing such people to have girls, they are doing the girls a favour?


In my opinion, no. I wish the government would allow sex determination. People should have the right to know and act accordingly. Instead of having hundreds of unwanted or badly treated girls by virtue of the sex determination ban, they should work on programs for women empowerment, for mass education on benefits of having a girl, for free education and work opportunities for girls so parents don't think of them as a burden. We should look at ways to change the attitude of people rather than make life difficult.

But then who am I kidding? This is India and we are Indians and we are like this only. I honestly have no idea how long it will take until people become neutral to gender and love and care for a baby irrespective. It will be a great achievement if I see this shift in majority of India in my lifetime. Until then I'll sit and count the days until I have my little one in my lap, and find out if its a baby girl or a boy. And I will make sure that no matter what the outcome, my love, care and dedication to my child will not differ. And inculcate the same attitude in my children. After all, change always begins from home! :)


Monday, January 28, 2013

A look at the beginning of my journey of Motherhood

Since I was a girl, Ive been fond of babies and kids. When I was 11, our little cousin used to spend the whole day with us while his parents went to work. We took care of him for the first 2 years. That was probably my first proper experience of being with a baby and handling small things about it, learning on-the-job; as I was only 3 when my brother was born and don't really think I registered him much as a baby :)
Around 7 years later, we had another little baby coming over for the day while his parents were working: he was our family friends' son, and I was much older by then to understand the nitty-gritties of childcare. Although my mother, who I guess had ample experience bringing up 2 children and 2 dogs, did most of the job; I attribute to these experiences giving me a taste of what baby care is all about, and in its own way, prepared me to take up the responsibility myself when the time came.


However, I still had a mental block with the whole process: first trying forever to conceive, while ensuring everything is ideal for it to happen. Then managing 9 months of pregnancy and all that comes with it: sickness, aches, drastic lifestyle changes etc. Then the very scary and painful process of labour and childbirth, and the aftermath of stitches and bleeding and healing from all of it. And it doesn't end there: there is feeding and nappy changing and staying up all night forever, and kissing life as you know it goodbye. Sure babies are cute and a huge source of happiness, but to go through so much pain? Was it ever gonna be worth it?

I think this question has tormented all of us women especially at some point or the other in life, given that our role in the whole process is so much more than that of the father/other family members. And there is no escaping that responsibility. However, I realised that no one can make you take this step of having a baby unless you are fully ready: physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, financially etc. And when that day comes, you know it is time :)

As for me, I met my husband at MBA school, and after 3 years of courtship, we tied the knot in December 2009. After our second anniversary I started to get these "motherhood pangs". I'm serious ladies, it really does happen when the time is right. You end up going all 'awww' whenever you see babies, you develop this urge to be motherly and nurturing towards everyone. Heck you could even start dreaming about babies! And being in India, married, in late 20s, there are enough people around you asking about the 'good news' all the time, to ensure top of mind recall. I was 28, ready in all aspects, and since I wanted 2 children I thought it was time we started trying for the first one. However all doesn't depend on one person, the other partner must also be on board. It took time for my husband to come around and be comfortable with this life changing decision of having a baby, but like I said, when the right time comes, everything falls into place. And by end of May 2012 we were on board and ready to begin this journey.

The first step was to go to the doctor in early June and understand our physical readiness and health for having a baby. Since I am hypertensive, hypothyroidic and diabetic, the first thing to do was to ensure everything is under control. I wasn't my ideal weight but since all the other statistics were ok, our gynecologist gave us the go-ahead, but at the same time reminded us that my health issues, and my husband's habit of drinking and smoking may prolong the time we take to conceive. We should try our best to be as healthy as possible in terms of food, exercise and habits; as well as try without any stress. We should not do any other blood or other tests. We should religiously try for 6 months and if still nothing happened, then we should come back for further testing and prognosis. So that part was sorted.

The second thing was that before I started trying I wanted to fulfil one of my dreams for a long time: to go to Ladakh. Opportunity came in mid June, and we decided that we will start trying once I'm back. And so we did. I came back by June 25th, and there we were, enjoying the whole process of making babies :) it was fun while it lasted, although I must admit there was always this fear of months and months passing without good news which made me nervous. I am an impatient person by nature, and I kept testing myself every now and then to see if I'm pregnant. It was finally on 9th August that I realised I was about a month pregnant! Phew! What a relief. I actually got pregnant in hardly 2 weeks! We just couldn't believe it! Given all my conditions, we were expecting a wait time of at least 6 months. And here we were, pregnant in a jiffy. I've seen some of my friends who are perfectly healthy, trying for months without success. So for us, getting pregnant so quickly without issues was a miracle we were very thankful for! We immediately corroborated the results with other tests and checked with the gynecologist, who was equally surprised but happy for us. We immediately told immediate family and close friends the good news, and everyone was over the moon, and full of lots of advice, as expected :) And thus started the whole rigmarole of being pregnant, eating healthy, taking multivitamins, take care of myself etc.

Its been almost 6 months since I found out and every day for me has been an adventure on this roller coaster ride called pregnancy. There have been good days, bad days, even ugly days. Happy days, sad days, frustrating days, exhilarating days. Easy days, fun days, difficult days, impossible days. But each day, feeling the baby inside me grow, has been a day to remember! Now I'm waiting with bated breath to actually meet the little one in person soon! As they say, the real adventure begins only once the lil one's out! :)





Friday, January 25, 2013

Memoirs of a Mother: Based on a true story

For all the mothers who are lucky to have planned, conceived and delivered a healthy baby, there are those who have gone through the tragedy of losing one. Whether through early/late miscarriage, or premature babies not surviving, or babies born still birth without any reason. Losing a child at any stage is a devastating experience for a mother, the sadness directly proportional to the time she spent with the little one. As I talk about much of the joys of pregnancy and baby care, I cannot turn a blind eye to the other not-so-happy side. 
This post, inspired by a real life story, portrays the feelings of a mother who lost her baby and how she dealt with it.

I still remember that fateful day in the wintery January of 1983, when I realised that I was pregnant! Our joys knew no bounds. I was 28 and eager to start a family. Barely married a few months ago, my husband and I did not have much: just a single room house on rent, a few essentials and the both of us. My husband, fresh out of Med School, had recently acquired a job with a grand hospital and was earning a good Rs. 3000 per month. We had little, but we were happy. And now, a little one was to come into our lives soon. It was a heartening feeling; but a little scary too. How would we manage? Would we be able to afford a good life and provide for a bright future for our child? All my fears and anxiety were laid to rest by my husband who was very supportive, and by my family and friends. And thus began the beautiful journey of motherhood.


We were very excited. We began nurturing our dreams: thinking of names, buying clothes, collecting important tid-bits from family and friends (recent mothers' hand-me-downs), plans to save money to buy toys and crib...

And then it struck me - my husband sonographed me and gave me "the news" (at that moment I could not decide whether it was good or bad) - I was pregnant with twin girls!

For a moment I was shocked - I could not react, and when I did, it was not pleasant. It was simply impossible: raising two girls, together, in a one-room house, on a meager salary... It could just not be done! I gave up. I told my husband I wanted to abort the babies. I would not be able to handle them. I wasn't sure we could pull it off. My husband, though crestfallen at my reaction, convinced me that we could make it if we tried. My family came to our rescue. They collected lots of baby things, came to live with me and help with the pregnancy and promised to help take care of the babies when they arrived. And so I agreed, and the journey continued.

The next few months' were pretty comfortable. Sure, I had some weird cravings at weird timings, and I suddenly stated hating my favourite foods. There were good days, bad days, horrible days, and great days too. Everyone pitched in , in whatever way they could. There was a lot going on, both inside and outside, but I was so loved and taken care of that I did not realise how time flew.

Then one fine day in late August, a month before the due date, things started to speed up and we were surprised to know that the stork intended to visit us a month before plan. On August 30th, 1983, I finally gave birth to the two most beautiful and precious babies ever! It was fairly smooth though exhausting., but all my tiredness went away when I saw the tiny little bundles of joy!

They were born premature, and as a result were very weak, thin and sick. It was a miracle they survived, but they were getting better by the day. The were identical twins: fair, rosy, fragile - and everyone who saw them fell in love with them. The doctor who delivered them told me she had 4 sons and desperately wanted to adopt my second baby. Smiling, I refused. Smiling because just a few months back I was ready to abort these little ones, or give them away; but today, I could not bear to do that! My brother-in-law also wanted to adopt my second one, and so did a few others, but I politely refused them all. These were my babies, my fruits of labour; and I was going o keep them, love them and nurture them twice as much as any mother! The two little Japanese dolls (as my doctor called them) had a band strapped to their wrists to differentiate between them: one with a blue strap, one with a red one. We decided to call the elder one Mini, and the younger Tini for the time being, till we finalised their proper names.

And then our world came crashing down - Mini improved and came back home a week after her birth, but suddenly Tini was getting sicker and sicker. As it is, in multiple births, each kid doesn't get equal nutrition during pregnancy, and in this case Tini was the weaker one. She was going from bad to worse and stayed at the hospital. The days crept by. Finally she started to get better, and by the time she was 13 days old, she was well enough to visit her home for the first time. There was much jubilation. With lots of hopes and dreams, we finally got Tini back home, and lay her next to Mini. What a beautiful sight they were! We decided to keep a watch throughout the night. My husband stayed up for a few hours while I slept. Then he woke me up, and it was my turn to stay up and watch over Tini's condition. While the 3 slept, I stayed awake, but very drowsy. Don't know how and when but at some point I fell asleep and was only woken up by loud crying noises of Tini, in the wee hours of the morning. We all woke up, and after doing whatever we could to calm her down, we realised something was wrong. We rushed her to the hospital. apparently she had caught a deadly infection on the blood called Septicaemia from the hospital itself, and was very sick. Though enraged by the lack of proper care in such a big hospital, we first concentrated on immediate steps for Tini's treatment and recovery. Those few hours were the worst hours of our lives. We hoped, wished and prayed, but it was too late. In the wee hours of a September day, when the little one was just 2 weeks old, she succumbed to the disease. The other half of Mini, my second Japanese doll - was gone! The baby so many people wanted, did not go to anyone; not even to us.

With heavy hearts and tearful eyes, we went back, wondering if there was any way we could have avoided this. Had I stayed up, could we have saved her life? Maybe, maybe not. Thus came an end to our dreams, hopes, wishes, happiness: at least half of it. Though she spent all her life in the hospital, we missed her presence. But all the same we were grateful to God that Mini was alive and kicking. She continued to be sick for a year or 2, but after that she flourished. But even today when I see Mini, sometimes I think of the little one, long gone: of how pretty she would have been, how her life would have shaped up... Would she have been a star student? Would she have had a great sense of humour? What would have her marriage been like?

'Sweetheart I know you were going through hell, and maybe it was a blessing for you to be liberated. But do know, all of loved you and still do. We did whatever we could for you, and above all, we miss you and wish you were here. But, as they say, sometimes God gets lonely and needs some nice people around him. I guess he needed you the most, amongst all of us... '
(FYI, My old nickname is Mini)

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Taking the big decision: Just do it!

Honestly if you ask me there is no good time to have a baby. A baby can be planned or unplanned, but as long as you want the baby and are willing to do whatever it takes to make him/her feel welcome and loved in this world, it doesn't matter.

After a couple have taken the first step of deciding that they WANT to have a baby, comes the next step: to decide WHEN to have a baby. Many people have a long laundry list of stuff that needs to work out before they take the plunge. While some of it is crucial  like mental/physical health or a stable place to live in, some of the requirements may be personal and not strictly mandatory.

So what are the top items in the baby decision checklist?

1. Age of the father and mother:
Ideally a mother shouldn't be too young (less than 21yrs in my opinion), nor too old (greater than 35yrs). 21-35 yrs is an ideal time physically for a woman to give birth. While men can father children at any age as long as they are producing robust soldiers, I think its best that they too aint older than 35 so they have all the stamina to run after the lil one and live long enough to see them graduate, get married etc.

2. Mental and physical health of the parents:
For both parents to be mentally fit is a mandatory requirement. If not both, at least one parent needs to be mentally healthy, preferably the mother since she plays a greater role in the upbringing of a child. Physical health too is very important. If either /both parents have any genetic diseases which have a fair chance of being transferred to the baby, they should make their decision after ample thought and research. Even otherwise, dads should be observing healthy habits, like no smoking/drinking. Mothers should have regular menstrual cycles and age/height/built appropriate weight. If there are any health issues, ideally they should be addressed before going in for a baby.

3. Financial Security:
Now this is a tricky one: while its important, how much is enough is debatable. Surely the parents need to have a stable house to live in, a stable income to survive, some savings and a hopeful future to give a good life to a baby. But each individual has their own standards. Some are ok any time as long as they have a job and a house to live. Some want to have a house/car etc of their own before starting a family. Some want to be at a certain position in their jobs or have x amount of savings or x figure salary. Different people have different ideas of security and whenever they think they have it, they go for it. While I still think there is never a good time as one is never satisfied that they have enough, better not to push someone into taking this step: its too important to later regret.

4. Stable relationship and family support:
While different cultures have their own setups, Indian culture primarily still assumes marriage before children. Of course there are cases of unmarried couples having children but that's more of an exception than the rule as of now. Also, although love marriages are on the rise, there are still a lot of people even in urban India  who go for arranged marriages. Such people need time, to know and understand each other and see if they gel well enough to keep a family together. While this is important for arranged marriages, even in love marriages, couples are in no hurry to plan a family. Typically couples take at least 2-3 years after marriage before they start planning. Another factor which helps taking this decision is family support: if there are parents/in-laws nearby to help with the baby, couples are more keen on starting a family. On the other hand of the parents are too nosy and are pestering the couple to have kids asap, it can go both ways!

5. Timing:
Apart from the aforementioned factors there may be other factors in a person's life which govern the decision of having a family.  Some people may have responsibilities towards the family, like getting a younger sibling married or paying for education etc, and can start planning for their own family only when done with them. Some people may have a long distance marriage/relationship or have a travel-intensive job, which they may need to figure out before trying for a baby, as stability and closeness to partner is very important for conception and pregnancy. Some may have the wanderlust and have plans to tick items off their bucket list before settling down with a family. Better to finish all that you wanted to do before having a baby, as the whole process of trying, conceiving, pregnancy, post natal care etc is a very time consuming affair, and unless you have the time, inclination, and prioritization that's required, better wait.

These are some of the top things that came to my mind, which I learnt from my own experience or talking to other mothers/mothers-to-be. Different individuals have different priorities and factors to consider. Whatever be yours, just be sure you are really ready for this LIFE CHANGING experience in EVERY WAY. Cuz once the bun is in the oven, there is no turning back! :)