Dealing with infertility

Whenever you plan to have a baby, it comes with a lot of emotion. Before you are even pregnant you might have already started thinking of decorating the baby room, finalising names, thinking of your life ahead with the little one… and it is disappointing when you realise you haven’t become pregnant the first time you tried. 

Most people, even perfectly healthy ones, can take up to a year to get pregnant. But there is a good chance you already know that, so you try again. And again. And again. But no good news. At this point, it’s a good idea to take medical help to conceive. There are a number of options available which the doctor will consider based on the results of the various tests and physical examinations of the couple, like:

• Lifestyle modification: the female is asked to get her weight in check - for every kg lost, the chances of conception increase dramatically 
• Fertility drugs: women typically take prescribed medicines for 5 days starting from the 3rd day of the menstrual cycle. Even men may be prescribed supplements for increasing the mobility and production of sperms if the need be 
• Removal of tubal blockage: Fallopian tubal blockage can be diagnosed by methods like using dye or saline water injections. Laparoscopy is done to remove blockage if any 
• Follicle Egg Monitoring: The monitoring is done via ultrasound to ensure ovulation and intercourse are timed correctly 

But every now and then there are cases of people who are perfectly ok but still can’t conceive. In such cases, many couples opt for In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). IVF is a treatment for fertility where eggs and sperms are extracted from a couple’s bodies, fertilised in a laboratory, and reinserted in the uterus for maturing. IVF services are available through many clinics across all major cities. However, do ensure you choose a reputed fertility clinic, as assisted reproductive methods are time consuming and expensive, and lack of results can lead to further frustrations.

There are cases where IVF is not possible, desirable or affordable, or where medically it’s not possible for either partner to reproduce. In such cases there are other options, like surrogacy, artificial insemination and adoption available.

If you are going through infertility, discuss it with your partner and your doctor for choosing the right option for you. Many doctors believe that apart from medication, a stress free life is extremely critical for conception as stress can make the hormones run haywire. Therefore, simply enjoy the intimacy with your partner and don’t let the treatment become a chore.

If required, take counselling sessions to deal with your emotional trauma, exacerbated by social pressures of India, so that once you do have a baby through any method, you are healthy and happy to receive it. Remember, irrespective of whose sperm/eggs are used, or which uterus the baby matured in, the moment you have a baby, it is yours and yours alone, and you are a parent, for life. Don’t let anyone take that away from you!

(image courtesy www.freeimages.co.uk)

Tiger Mom Vs Dino Mom : Where do you stand?

A friend of mine recently shared this interesting post by a fellow blogger -

Tiger mom - to be or not to be | Blog Post by Tanu Shree Singh | two boys and a mad mum | mycity4kids

Reading the post made me smile. I've read the famous "Battle hymn of the tiger mom" book. Its a fun read and talks about one perspective of parenting. But when it comes to parenting, it's hard to say what is right and what is wrong. Parenting is highly subjective.

 




My parents were never strict with us as far as academics/sports/extra curriculars were concerned. Frankly they did not care as long as they were not getting any complaints. They did not push us unnecessarily. Our cable connection was not disconnected during exams, our parents did not make us burn the midnight oil, or push us to attend 1000 classes like sports and performing arts and tuitions.

But I guess I did not need pushing. I was a good student (never came first but was always top 5), very active in extra curriculars, the teacher's pet and popular at school. Out of my own choice I took judo, swimming, theater, dance, cooking, language and singing classes. Never really excelled in anything to make it a career, but was happy to dabble and enjoy.

I feel good that I wasn't forced to only study or pushed hard for sports etc. But I do wish, a little, that my parents pushed me harder to try to come first, to learn to play a music instrument, to hone some skill/art, and definitely be interested in sports (I'm zero in sports). I was always a chilled out girl who was more of a smart worker than a hard worker. And since I always did well at school, no one complained or bothered. I was content and so were my parents so things stayed status quo. But I feel a little pressure from them would have gone a long way into getting me to get out of my comfort zone and try harder, and God knows what I could have, would have, achieved.

I know it's not fair to blame everything on them. It sounds like it but I don't mean that. We and only we are responsible for the choices we make in life. And I never bothered to have a serious passion, which I regret very much today, but it's all my fault for being so casual and lazy.

Bottom line is.. I want to go one step ahead of my parents and encourage my children to be passionate about something and work hard on it. I would like to expose them to all options in skills/sports/academics etc, and let them choose what catches their fancy. And then be after them to not get lazy about their chosen passion. I know it sounds nasty, but at the cost of being labelled a strict/bad/dominating/hitler mom by my peers or family, this is one thing that I have decided I will do.

Apart from of course. . My house my rules.. for 18 years my kids HAVE to live by my rules. Which means I decide schedules and permissions and possessions etc. If its acceptable well and good, if not you are free to leave. My mom was a strict mom who didn't coochie coo us at all. While I may be a little more affectionate towards my kids, I'm gonna be a strict disciplinarian for sure, the bad cop. And I don't mind. I think it's required. One has limited control over children, especially these days. You have only a few years to mould them into responsible, disciplined individuals. Once they grow up they're on their own, forever.

So I guess I'm neither a proper Tiger mom nor a Dino mom, but somewhere in the middle, maybe leaning towards Dino mom :-)

Detachment Parenting : More sensible parenting?

So we all have heard about the concept of Attachment Parenting (AP) and all its benefits. and I'm sure it works wonders in forging that amazing bond with your bub which wouldn't have been possible otherwise.

But hang on there AP followers, you got tough competition from the latest kids on the block - the Detachment Parenting (DP) followers! Now DP and AP are as different as chalk and cheese. But does that also mean that one way is "better" than the other?

In my honest opinion, it is relative. Depends on the upbringing of the parent. Let me give you my example. I had the mother of all DP moms - she never went coochie coo with us, did not tolerate crying even if we fell down and hurt ourselves, and NEVER gave in to our tantrums since the day we were born. I often wondered if she were a reincarnation of Hitler himself. The irony was, her name was a synonym for "maternal love", which according to me was a total misnomer. I found her detachment and lack of emotion quite disappointing, and promised myself I would never be like that.

And then I grew up. And saw the wisdom in her parenting style. We kids learnt to take care of ourselves, ourselves. We fought our own battles. We never came crying to mommy. We were responsible for our own academic and extra curricular performance, with neither blind support nor undue pressure from her. We were told what was fire, but in case we still chose to burn ourselves, we were allowed to make mistakes, but also be responsible for our decisions. We were independent at a young age, and capable of taking care of everything around teh house and outside, sooner than many kids.

(Of course after we grew up and left home, my mother had melted like wax and she compensated for her earlier strict behaviour by being over senti and coochi coo.) But anyway, the point is.. DP has its benefits. Did I not miss my mother's hugs and kisses? I did. Will I not hug and kiss my baby? Perhaps I would, more than my mother did. But one must know where to draw the line.

Ever since my baby was born, she has slept in her own bed. This gives me my comfort, space and privacy with my husband in bed. I play with her during the day, but when I'm busy with work, I'm busy - she has been taught to play on her own. I do have my bonding time with her everyday when I bathe and massage her on my own, but others (husband/family/friends) play an active role in feeding her etc so she isnt stuck to me. I rarely rock her in my arms when she has to sleep... she self soothes to sleep mostly. even if she is crying, I do not rush to her immediately - I know mostly she is just testing me for attention. I love being with her but every week I take a day out to do my own thing with my friends, sans the baby - without feeling any guilt.

Going forward, she will be shifted into her own room and bed when baby no 2 arrives in the next 2-3 years. My kids will sleep, eat, play independently. Of course I will be with them every step of the way. However I will not forge their paths for them, but let them find a way on their own.

Most importantly I will not take them everywhere I go - especially to movie halls/theatres/auditoriums/ fine dining restaurants etc. There are some places kids should just not be allowed to enter. I have always hated unruly kids screaming while I'm trying to watch a movie or have a quiet dinner with husband. If your kids cant sit at one place then don't take them out to such places where not only your experience is disturbed but others suffer too. Take them to a noisy Mc Donalds' or just keep them at home!

All of this may come as quite a shock to my fellow Indians, as we are a country full of over senti and attached parents. I know of many people who are adults and still sleep with their parents! Of men who are mollycoddled to death by their mothers and cant function on their own. Of women who forget to be wives and friends and WOMEN, just because they have become mothers.

I am all for love and bonding and affection. And even though AP is not my style, I respect those who follow it. But I'd rather stay away, and embrace DP. It may sound selfish, but for me, it is the more sensible and practical thing to do. And I'm sure my kids will love me to bits just as much, just like I love my mom :)

Parents are Parents, not free babysitters.

While its very nice of parents to pitch in when their children have new born babies, for couples to depend entirely on their parents/in-laws to supervise and run after their little ones so that they can get back to work/enjoy a social life is unfair in my opinion.

Our parents have done their bit of running around and managing little infants/toddlers, which is anything but easy. And to make them relive that in their 60s is torture. They may still do it out of love or obligation, they may even say that they like it, dont mind it. But I think its highly selfish for us to pass the buck to them to get our own lives back.

Sure its nice to leave the kids with parents once in while for a weekend or a quick trip alone. But not every day forever. When you have kids, learn to take responsibility for them completely. Our parents managed us without pawning us off to others, we should do the same. Hire a nanny, leave them at a creche/playschool, do whatever it takes, but please dont make your parents miserable. They have a life, a routine of their own which gets affected if they are stuck at home 24x7 looking after your kids. Let them live their sunset years in peace.