Making the Right Choice of School for your Child

Do you choose a school? Or these days, does a school choose you? Whatever be the case, it always helps to be prepared, given how competitive it has become, to get your child admitted into formal school in Indian Metros these days, especially places like Delhi and Mumbai.

So what exactly do you look for in a school? What all factors should you consider when contemplating where to get your little one admitted? These days, every school boasts of the best infrastructure, teaching methodology, activities, facilities etc. How does one decide what is best for their child, how does one search for the diamond within the coal?

Each parent has his/her own attitude and beliefs towards education, and thus different things matter to different people. Some want a school that follows rigorous academic schedules; some want more emphasis on extracurricular activities. Some want international exposure, some want to make their wards more responsible citizens. Some look for fancy infrastructure while some want to go the alternate education path.

Whatever be your preferences or sensibilities, here is a rundown on some factors to consider when making the choice of school for your child, that may help you differentiate and finalize options to make your arduous task of application and admission easier.

• Practical factors: location, distance from home, admission process online or offline, onetime fees, monthly fees, transport facility available or not, timings, student-teacher ratio, students per class, general reputation/brand, feedback from parents with children studying there, religious/political affiliation, student diversity, student safety and security measures

• Infrastructure: maths/language/science/computer laboratories, library facilities, auditorium, extracurricular and sports facilities, smart classrooms, audio-visual teaching aids, playground

• Academics: inclusion of technology, teaching methodology, teaching beyond classrooms, curriculum/board, availability of scholarships, citizenship/community programs, career and personal counselling, homework and exam policy, assessment policy, personal grooming

• Extras: foreign languages, trips and excursions in India and abroad, international exposure/exchange programs, student clubs and committees, events/functions, inter-school competitions

These are the factors that I am considering while making my choice this year for my daughter. I hope this comprehensive list made after lots of research, is helpful for readers, even though it may not be completely exhaustive. Wishing everyone good luck with the crazy admission process. May all our children get into good schools, which hone their skills and groom them into kind and responsible citizens of the future! 

Abortion: Pro life or Pro choice?

Abortion, or medical termination of pregnancy, is one of the most widely debated topics around the world, related to parenting. The phenomena isn't just a physical process - it is also an emotional, social, moral, legal and in many countries - a religious concept.

Around the world, most developed first world countries have judged abortion to be legal on request. In South America, Africa and parts of Asia it is illegal with exceptions for certain factors like health risks for mother/child, rape etc. Few countries in the world have formally banned abortion. But many cultures strongly discourage abortion, including birth control.

In India, under the MTP Act of 1971, abortion is allowed only for certain circumstances, like:
- risk to maternal health
- possibility of severe mental or physical disability of the child after birth
- pregnancies due to rape, in unmarried girls or lunatics, or due to contraception failure

But the biggest problem in India is gender selective abortion - aborting gild children deliberately for want of boys, due to social pressure, In the past, many a female foetus have been aborted. As a result today determining sex of foetus before birth is a punishable act for both the parents and doctors; and many doctors refuse to abort if the foetus is female.

Thankfully things aren't as bad as in some countries where abortion is considered murder and therefore is a sin or illegal, even at the cost of the mother's life. However we still aren't really pro-choice. If a woman chooses to abort for reasons other than those listed above, she is looked don upon. Yes, childbirth is a miracle and children are a gift, but ultimately it should be up to the woman to decide if she wants to give birth to and bring up a child or not, since she is most definitely the most important stakeholder, the primary caretaker.

What other reasons can a woman have to abort? Unhappy marriage or domestic issues, financial problems - to name some. Whatever be the reason to abort, if a woman thus chooses, she should be given the benefit of doubt and allowed to exercise her right to make her own choice. It is better to abort a child than to force someone not ready to have it, and be unhappy or regretful forever.

Even if we make such reasons insufficient for abortions, it does not mean abortions wont happen. Since time immemorial women have been inducing abortions whenever required. And in many cases they use unsafe surgical or medical ways to abort which lead to much more risk to their life. Better to allow them to abort in a safe and hygienic environment.

So in this debate I am definitely pro-choice. In my opinion, it is the most beneficial solution for everyone. I have a child of my own and I can imagine it is never easy for a woman to make such a decision, When she does, give her support, she needs that more than anything else!

Detachment Parenting : More sensible parenting?

So we all have heard about the concept of Attachment Parenting (AP) and all its benefits. and I'm sure it works wonders in forging that amazing bond with your bub which wouldn't have been possible otherwise.

But hang on there AP followers, you got tough competition from the latest kids on the block - the Detachment Parenting (DP) followers! Now DP and AP are as different as chalk and cheese. But does that also mean that one way is "better" than the other?

In my honest opinion, it is relative. Depends on the upbringing of the parent. Let me give you my example. I had the mother of all DP moms - she never went coochie coo with us, did not tolerate crying even if we fell down and hurt ourselves, and NEVER gave in to our tantrums since the day we were born. I often wondered if she were a reincarnation of Hitler himself. The irony was, her name was a synonym for "maternal love", which according to me was a total misnomer. I found her detachment and lack of emotion quite disappointing, and promised myself I would never be like that.

And then I grew up. And saw the wisdom in her parenting style. We kids learnt to take care of ourselves, ourselves. We fought our own battles. We never came crying to mommy. We were responsible for our own academic and extra curricular performance, with neither blind support nor undue pressure from her. We were told what was fire, but in case we still chose to burn ourselves, we were allowed to make mistakes, but also be responsible for our decisions. We were independent at a young age, and capable of taking care of everything around teh house and outside, sooner than many kids.

(Of course after we grew up and left home, my mother had melted like wax and she compensated for her earlier strict behaviour by being over senti and coochi coo.) But anyway, the point is.. DP has its benefits. Did I not miss my mother's hugs and kisses? I did. Will I not hug and kiss my baby? Perhaps I would, more than my mother did. But one must know where to draw the line.

Ever since my baby was born, she has slept in her own bed. This gives me my comfort, space and privacy with my husband in bed. I play with her during the day, but when I'm busy with work, I'm busy - she has been taught to play on her own. I do have my bonding time with her everyday when I bathe and massage her on my own, but others (husband/family/friends) play an active role in feeding her etc so she isnt stuck to me. I rarely rock her in my arms when she has to sleep... she self soothes to sleep mostly. even if she is crying, I do not rush to her immediately - I know mostly she is just testing me for attention. I love being with her but every week I take a day out to do my own thing with my friends, sans the baby - without feeling any guilt.

Going forward, she will be shifted into her own room and bed when baby no 2 arrives in the next 2-3 years. My kids will sleep, eat, play independently. Of course I will be with them every step of the way. However I will not forge their paths for them, but let them find a way on their own.

Most importantly I will not take them everywhere I go - especially to movie halls/theatres/auditoriums/ fine dining restaurants etc. There are some places kids should just not be allowed to enter. I have always hated unruly kids screaming while I'm trying to watch a movie or have a quiet dinner with husband. If your kids cant sit at one place then don't take them out to such places where not only your experience is disturbed but others suffer too. Take them to a noisy Mc Donalds' or just keep them at home!

All of this may come as quite a shock to my fellow Indians, as we are a country full of over senti and attached parents. I know of many people who are adults and still sleep with their parents! Of men who are mollycoddled to death by their mothers and cant function on their own. Of women who forget to be wives and friends and WOMEN, just because they have become mothers.

I am all for love and bonding and affection. And even though AP is not my style, I respect those who follow it. But I'd rather stay away, and embrace DP. It may sound selfish, but for me, it is the more sensible and practical thing to do. And I'm sure my kids will love me to bits just as much, just like I love my mom :)

The Hullabaloo of the Indian Pregnancy

Sometimes I wonder why is there so much hallabaloo regarding pregnancy in india???
I see such weird attitudes/reactions from WOMEN all around me:

1. Dont tell anyone you are planning: nazar lag jayegi, and you wont be able to conceive? What crap! If at all given our sex ed levels, sharing plans may help with tips, and important information.

2. If you realise you are pregnant, dont tell anyone for 3 months except family: nazar lag jayegi, you will end up miscarrying? or it will be embarrassing or sad if you tell everyone and then miscarry? Again, telling people wont affect anything, and miscarriages etc can happen after 3 months also. What then?

3. No matter how obviously pregnant you are, dont announce it to the world, put it up on social networking sites, click pictures of baby bump etc.: its bad luck? Cmon people around the world send announcement mails/postcards asap, put up baby bump pics everywhere. Nothing happens to them! If you're a private person I understand, but just to keep it all hush hush cuz we are indian is so stupid!

4. dont keep names or buy baby stuff before birth: bad luck - what if baby dies? well thats an eventuality all of us must be aware of. but why does it stop us from planning? in my opinion its dumb to run around buying stuff AFTER the baby is born: its too last moment and chaotic! buying stuff or deciding names in advance doesnt jinx pregnancy or baby. it just helps.

5. heavily pregnant women wear loose fitting clothes, or cover huge baby bumps with dupattas, as if doing this will hide the fact that they are pregnant: nazar lag jayegi? Seriously is pregnancy something to be hidden, be embarrassed about, be ashamed of? Why do u wanna hide? whats so uncomfortable in people knowing ur pregnant? that u had sex with your partner? cmon grow up!

6. baby's father/family members not allowed/wanted during birthing: its indecent, interfering. Again, ur ok with stranger doctors and nurses prying your legs apart and exposing your modesty for everyone to see when you are in labour but not allowing/wanting baby father or own mother, both of whom have seen u naked, to be there to support you (in case its a normal birth n there are no issues) is so archaic. Whats the big deal yaar?

Once the baby is born there are a million dos and donts: put nazar ka teeka, dont go out for 2 months, mom should or shouldnt eat xyz things, etc etc etc. 90% of these things have NO scientific base but we so called educated people still go on following this bullshit blindly! I personally find it very old fashioned and stupid. Wonder when we will come out of the dark ages!

One child rule in India: Solution to social ills or infringement of basic human rights?

The other day I was reading about the very sad state of women and children health in India when a thought occurred to me:

What if we stop poor, starving, uneducated, unemployed, undernourished people to have children? Or at least restrict them to having one child only a la China?

Urban, educated people these days are spending more time on education, career n other life goals. Reproducing a litter is not their priority. They are more rational n meticulous about family planning n have children only if they can afford to give them a good lifestyle. Many couples are opting for single child policy. And some, no child policy.

But the poor, uneducated people continue to reproduce at a crazy rate: having children after children while they can't properly bring up even one. Educating them about small family benefits isn't working. Giving them jobs or free education isnt working. Giving their children free health n education isnt helping. Empowering women n girl children isnt helping. We are still losing 2 million children and mothers every year.

Will a drastic rule on prohibition on having children if you cant afford them work, if there was a way to successfully implement it?

I know such a rule denies one the basic right to have as many children as one wants but being allowed that isn't working either, either for the individuals or the country. Something worth thinking, no?

Sex Determination: To do or not to do?

Once it was confirmed that I was pregnant and carrying a healthy single baby in my uterus, the next question that came to me was: is it a boy or a girl?

Now I come from a family which believes in two-child theory: one child is a lonely child. If you ask me, Id love to be mommy to both a boy and a girl. Since I myself am an older sister to my brother, I too prefer to have an older daughter. I personally feel older sisters have a calming effect on younger brothers, and nurture them well. While older brothers are fantastic caretakers of younger sisters too, I feel they tend to be more protective and thus end up curtailing their sisters' lives.

Apart from that, I can tell you, a part of every woman wants to have a baby girl, for the sheer pleasure of having a girl to dress up in pretty dresses, shoes, accessories and hairstyles. It's like we women like to live vicariously through our lil girls :) Plus there also goes an adage "A son is a son till wife, a daughter is a daughter for life." While different people may have different experiences with their children, I really do feel daughters are more inclined to get involved in taking care of their parents, with their physical presence if not financially, than boys. Also many people like my husband also believe girls are perfect angels as kids, while boys are little devils. Given all this, it was clear we both want a girl very strongly. Not that if we were to have a boy we would leave him back in the hospital! :P

Why does one want to know the sex of the unborn child? Well people like me just want to know because we are curious. And also so we can plan the baby shopping, as well as names accordingly. It's not a big deal, just something fun to know and prepare for! However, unfortunately, a majority of Indian people, even in urban society, hanker for the male child. And end up aborting female fetuses if they find out. Why such craze for a male child? Too many reasons: carry on the family name, financial support during old age, dowry and maid for free on marriage... While girls are just bad investment: you clothe them, feed them, educate them, marry them off - basically pay for them forever and never get any returns. Not a good business proposition. So better to get rid of them while you can, and have as many boys as possible to secure your future.

It may sound crazy but this attitude is still prevalent in today's society, even in the so called "educated" urban families. I have seen myself how the in laws get crestfallen at the birth of a girl child but celebrate with pomp and splendour when a boy arrives. Even if they do not abort or kill the baby girl when she is born, they discriminate against her when it comes to lifestyle, education and other basic amenities: brothers are always favoured over sisters when it comes to decide where to spend the money. It hurts me to see this kind of discrimination. But it is a sad fact of Indian society.

World Sex ratio is 1007 females per 1000 males, while the same for India is a dismal 940 females per 1000 males. Statistically it is seen more girls are born compared to boys. But in India, thanks to the skewed attitude, already 60 females per 1000 males are missing, primarily due to female foeticide or infanticide. And to curb this, the Indian Govt took the step of banning sex determination in India in 1994. Now no doctor across India, can convey to any patient in any way the sex of their unborn child. Of course this doesn't mean that it doesnt happen. It still does, discretely, and the sex ratio continues to suffer.

And also suffer couples like us who have no intention to murder the girl child and in fact want girl children. (Not that we would abort a boy child for a girl!). Thanks to the idiotic illiterate majority of Indians, I am unable to legally find out the sex of my baby. Which I think I have all the rights to find out if I want. People say its ok, a few suffer for the benefit of many. It is collateral damage. But I am not so sure it works. The only thing one can curb by making sex determination illegal, is female foeticide. But when you force people to have children without knowing the gender, they keep having girls one after the other for a boy, and thus compromise the life they give to so many children. It doesn't help the existing population issue in the country. And by curbing this you cannot guarantee that after the girl is born she will be allowed to live! After all there is no visibility into or ban on female infanticide. If not killed, baby girls may be brought up very poorly with bare minimum nutrition, education etc. And in some cases little girls are also sold off to human traffickers for money. Do people really think that by forcing such people to have girls, they are doing the girls a favour?

In my opinion, no. I wish the government would allow sex determination. People should have the right to know and act accordingly. Instead of having hundreds of unwanted or badly treated girls by virtue of the sex determination ban, they should work on programs for women empowerment, for mass education on benefits of having a girl, for free education and work opportunities for girls so parents don't think of them as a burden. We should look at ways to change the attitude of people rather than make life difficult.

But then who am I kidding? This is India and we are Indians and we are like this only. I honestly have no idea how long it will take until people become neutral to gender and love and care for a baby irrespective. It will be a great achievement if I see this shift in majority of India in my lifetime. Until then I'll sit and count the days until I have my little one in my lap, and find out if its a baby girl or a boy. And I will make sure that no matter what the outcome, my love, care and dedication to my child will not differ. And inculcate the same attitude in my children. After all, change always begins from home! :)