The great Indian baby planning!

In India, the three things that are most important in life are: birth, marriage, and death. Much has been said about marriage and death. What about birth? Having a baby in India is a family affair, and not a personal choice. It all starts from the day you decide to get married.

Talking about a typical Hindu North Indian wedding scenario, there is a function that's always there: god bharayi. When all the married women from both the bride and groom's family come together and bless the to-be-bride with fertility (specifically bearing a baby boy). The girl sits down with a doll in her lap, and women come and bless her with money and dry fruits and sweets and what not, hoping for a baby to be born ASAP.

Once a couple is married, within reasonable time (from a few months to a year or two, depending upon their ages and level of family conservatism), one or both sides of the family start pushing the couple to bear children. Whether they are ready or not. There is always a teary eyed grandma hoping to see her great grandson before she dies, or a mother/mother-in-law requesting the couple to bear kids as long as she is in good health so she can help with the baby. It seems everyone needs a baby more than the couple in question who actually have to physically give birth to, and financially/mentally/emotionally take care of the child.

And if parents were not enough, as we grow up, we hear of stories everyday of xyz getting married, and abc having a baby. Peer pressure is just as bad. Parents see their siblings' children having babies, or their children's friends having babies, and their yearning becomes stronger. "dekho ab to tumhari friend manisha, jo tumse badi hai. ka bhi baby ho gaya, tum kiska wait kar rahi ho? jaldi karo warna kahin der na ho jaye."

Its assumed that after marriage, having babies is the natural progression. Sooner or later the couple will realise this and start planning for a baby. But today things aren't that simple. Many couples don't want to rush into having children, and many even decide never to have kids at all! Its a tough life for them to fight against all the pressure from all sides, but such is life in the Indian society. Of course there are some lucky few who want to have kids and thus aren't perturbed by the constant winking at every function by everyone - "kyun bhai good news kab suna rahe ho?" Or they have never been pushed by their own family at least and can plan as per their convenience.

Once the news is out that the couple has started planning, start all the suggestions and advice. When to start planning, how to do it, which days etc etc. Friends, family, Internet.... there is no dearth of information pouring in. Enough to make a couple so overwhelmed that they may give it up midway or never plan again!:P
'
But its still nothing compared to the hell that breaks loose when you actually confirm you are pregnant. A huge list of Dos and Donts is shared and regular updates are taken by everyone (more than the doctor) on your eating, workout, sleeping etc routines. "Have 2 glasses of milk every day, have 5 white almonds and walnuts, don't have pineapple or papaya, don't sleep on your stomach, don't have sex, don't exert yourself, don't stay in bed, pray everyday. Don't tell anyone in the first trimester else you will miscarry due to buri nazar". etc etc

Haha. Buri Nazar. Evil Eye. Bad wishes for you by others. Who don't like you, want to ruin your life. I don't understand why all the buri nazar of the world resides in India? Are we such horrible people that we cause tragedy in people's lives by just looking at them in a way or wishing bad for them? Abroad, people tell everyone excitedly about their pregnancy and are so open about the whole thing. No evil eyes there? Its so stupid. Forget telling others, sometimes people have issues telling their own parents. How do you tell you male father-in-law that you are pregnant? Cuz its embarrassing? Cuz one gets pregnant by having sex? Well hello! The father in law also did that to make the husband. So whats the big deal? I fail to understand.

Once the pregnancy starts to progress, there are more terms and conditions. Don't travel, don't drive a car, don't go out much, don't be out in the sun, don't wear heels, don't wear western clothes, don't eat or drink xyz stuff. Cover your baby bump when you are out. Pray tell me why??? Again - Buri Nazar. For God's sake if you are pregnant and showing, covering yourself with a scarf will not hide it! Also clicking baby bump pictures or announcing on facebook will not lead to a miscarriage! We are such an insecure bunch of people!

Towards the end of the pregnancy, all the post birthing gyaan starts: how to manage labour, what to eat/drink to make it easy, what to do after birth, with self and baby etc. And also start the last leg of advices: don't decide on names or buy any clothes or baby furniture before the birth, its ill luck, Well its more practical in my opinion than anything to be ready for the baby before the baby arrives. I want to have a name in place so my baby isn't christened munnu guddi after birth for weeks, and I'd rather have all the stuff ready so I'm good to go as soon as I'm home. I still don't get any scientific connection between preparing for a baby leading to disasters.

The funniest thing though, is all the baby gender prediction: based on the shape and size of tummy, the complexion of the mother, the way she walks or her cravings, people are 100% sure what the gender is. Again there is no scientific connection of all this with gender, and whatever your belief is, you have a high chance 50% being right about the gender, so don't gloat! :P

Last but not the least when the mother goes into labour, comes the question: will the father go into the labour room with her and witness the birth? Well unlike Western countries, its still a new concept in India for the fathers to be allowed inside the labour room by hospitals, and for fathers willing to sit through the ordeal. I can imagine its not a small deal to see your wife writhing in labour pain, and all the blood and stuff which accompanies birth. But most men today take that step and go in with their wives and hold their hands through it all. still there are many who object to this cuz its embarrassing or disturbing. well i think every husband should be forced to be in the labour room to appreciate what his wife is going through to bring their child into the world, it will help increase the respect they have for the wives. And embarrassing? C'mon, its less embarrassing for your husband to see you half naked than the dozen doctors and nursing staff that will hover around you for hours, prying your legs apart and staring at your privates! Grow up people!

Baby is out? Congratulations and good luck with all the stuff that follows. Make baby wear old, worn out clothes, after baby no going out for 40 days, keeping head covered, tying up the tummy to keep it slim, making baby wear sacred threads around the neck pr wrists and putting kohl on forehead or eyes to ward off the famous Buri Nazar... there is no end to post natal advice for both mom and baby, which unfortunately has no scientific base and clashes with the doctor's advise. Managing what the doctor has said, with expectations and eagerness of grandparents to unfurl all their knowledge of child rearing can be quite a task, as there is a good chance you will end up upsetting the "bade buzurg" by your "modern ideas". "what are you telling us, this new age nonsense... you doubt us? we had more children than you at a much younger age!" True that Mummyji, no offense but it would be great if you allow the actual mom and dad to make the important decisions on bringing up their baby :)

A I was thinking about all this and more, I put up a post on cultural influence on pregnancy, on a pregnancy group online, and to my surprise, I learnt that there are many such beliefs in other countries as well! A sample of answers I got:

• Mexico: if someone is staring at your baby and wants to touch him/her but doesn't, the baby will be super fussy, don't cross legs after baby, don't bend, don't cut hair of baby before one year
• Africa: not step out for first 6 weeks as body is fragile
• New Zealand: mother not allowed to cut hair or fingernails
• Philippines: don't eat bacon, eggplant and crab; don't bathe for 10 days after birth, eat light coloured foods to ensure complexion of baby is fair; and the best: if you sleep on your back, put a hand on your tummy else the monsters will get the baby! :P

So it seems its not just India but other cultures as well which have their amazingly fascinating beliefs and traditions regarding pregnancy and childbirth. While its fun to talk about them, let's hope all parents around the world get the opportunity to make the decisions they think are right for themselves and the baby, and the families/friends/society helps rather than inhibits them in doing the same!

Taking the big decision: Just do it!

Honestly if you ask me there is no good time to have a baby. A baby can be planned or unplanned, but as long as you want the baby and are willing to do whatever it takes to make him/her feel welcome and loved in this world, it doesn't matter.

After a couple have taken the first step of deciding that they WANT to have a baby, comes the next step: to decide WHEN to have a baby. Many people have a long laundry list of stuff that needs to work out before they take the plunge. While some of it is crucial  like mental/physical health or a stable place to live in, some of the requirements may be personal and not strictly mandatory.

So what are the top items in the baby decision checklist?

1. Age of the father and mother:
Ideally a mother shouldn't be too young (less than 21yrs in my opinion), nor too old (greater than 35yrs). 21-35 yrs is an ideal time physically for a woman to give birth. While men can father children at any age as long as they are producing robust soldiers, I think its best that they too aint older than 35 so they have all the stamina to run after the lil one and live long enough to see them graduate, get married etc.

2. Mental and physical health of the parents:
For both parents to be mentally fit is a mandatory requirement. If not both, at least one parent needs to be mentally healthy, preferably the mother since she plays a greater role in the upbringing of a child. Physical health too is very important. If either /both parents have any genetic diseases which have a fair chance of being transferred to the baby, they should make their decision after ample thought and research. Even otherwise, dads should be observing healthy habits, like no smoking/drinking. Mothers should have regular menstrual cycles and age/height/built appropriate weight. If there are any health issues, ideally they should be addressed before going in for a baby.

3. Financial Security:
Now this is a tricky one: while its important, how much is enough is debatable. Surely the parents need to have a stable house to live in, a stable income to survive, some savings and a hopeful future to give a good life to a baby. But each individual has their own standards. Some are ok any time as long as they have a job and a house to live. Some want to have a house/car etc of their own before starting a family. Some want to be at a certain position in their jobs or have x amount of savings or x figure salary. Different people have different ideas of security and whenever they think they have it, they go for it. While I still think there is never a good time as one is never satisfied that they have enough, better not to push someone into taking this step: its too important to later regret.

4. Stable relationship and family support:
While different cultures have their own setups, Indian culture primarily still assumes marriage before children. Of course there are cases of unmarried couples having children but that's more of an exception than the rule as of now. Also, although love marriages are on the rise, there are still a lot of people even in urban India  who go for arranged marriages. Such people need time, to know and understand each other and see if they gel well enough to keep a family together. While this is important for arranged marriages, even in love marriages, couples are in no hurry to plan a family. Typically couples take at least 2-3 years after marriage before they start planning. Another factor which helps taking this decision is family support: if there are parents/in-laws nearby to help with the baby, couples are more keen on starting a family. On the other hand of the parents are too nosy and are pestering the couple to have kids asap, it can go both ways!

5. Timing:
Apart from the aforementioned factors there may be other factors in a person's life which govern the decision of having a family.  Some people may have responsibilities towards the family, like getting a younger sibling married or paying for education etc, and can start planning for their own family only when done with them. Some people may have a long distance marriage/relationship or have a travel-intensive job, which they may need to figure out before trying for a baby, as stability and closeness to partner is very important for conception and pregnancy. Some may have the wanderlust and have plans to tick items off their bucket list before settling down with a family. Better to finish all that you wanted to do before having a baby, as the whole process of trying, conceiving, pregnancy, post natal care etc is a very time consuming affair, and unless you have the time, inclination, and prioritization that's required, better wait.

These are some of the top things that came to my mind, which I learnt from my own experience or talking to other mothers/mothers-to-be. Different individuals have different priorities and factors to consider. Whatever be yours, just be sure you are really ready for this LIFE CHANGING experience in EVERY WAY. Cuz once the bun is in the oven, there is no turning back! :)