Abortion: Pro life or Pro choice?

Abortion, or medical termination of pregnancy, is one of the most widely debated topics around the world, related to parenting. The phenomena isn't just a physical process - it is also an emotional, social, moral, legal and in many countries - a religious concept.

Around the world, most developed first world countries have judged abortion to be legal on request. In South America, Africa and parts of Asia it is illegal with exceptions for certain factors like health risks for mother/child, rape etc. Few countries in the world have formally banned abortion. But many cultures strongly discourage abortion, including birth control.

In India, under the MTP Act of 1971, abortion is allowed only for certain circumstances, like:
- risk to maternal health
- possibility of severe mental or physical disability of the child after birth
- pregnancies due to rape, in unmarried girls or lunatics, or due to contraception failure

But the biggest problem in India is gender selective abortion - aborting gild children deliberately for want of boys, due to social pressure, In the past, many a female foetus have been aborted. As a result today determining sex of foetus before birth is a punishable act for both the parents and doctors; and many doctors refuse to abort if the foetus is female.

Thankfully things aren't as bad as in some countries where abortion is considered murder and therefore is a sin or illegal, even at the cost of the mother's life. However we still aren't really pro-choice. If a woman chooses to abort for reasons other than those listed above, she is looked don upon. Yes, childbirth is a miracle and children are a gift, but ultimately it should be up to the woman to decide if she wants to give birth to and bring up a child or not, since she is most definitely the most important stakeholder, the primary caretaker.

What other reasons can a woman have to abort? Unhappy marriage or domestic issues, financial problems - to name some. Whatever be the reason to abort, if a woman thus chooses, she should be given the benefit of doubt and allowed to exercise her right to make her own choice. It is better to abort a child than to force someone not ready to have it, and be unhappy or regretful forever.

Even if we make such reasons insufficient for abortions, it does not mean abortions wont happen. Since time immemorial women have been inducing abortions whenever required. And in many cases they use unsafe surgical or medical ways to abort which lead to much more risk to their life. Better to allow them to abort in a safe and hygienic environment.

So in this debate I am definitely pro-choice. In my opinion, it is the most beneficial solution for everyone. I have a child of my own and I can imagine it is never easy for a woman to make such a decision, When she does, give her support, she needs that more than anything else!

Taking the big decision: Just do it!

Honestly if you ask me there is no good time to have a baby. A baby can be planned or unplanned, but as long as you want the baby and are willing to do whatever it takes to make him/her feel welcome and loved in this world, it doesn't matter.

After a couple have taken the first step of deciding that they WANT to have a baby, comes the next step: to decide WHEN to have a baby. Many people have a long laundry list of stuff that needs to work out before they take the plunge. While some of it is crucial  like mental/physical health or a stable place to live in, some of the requirements may be personal and not strictly mandatory.

So what are the top items in the baby decision checklist?

1. Age of the father and mother:
Ideally a mother shouldn't be too young (less than 21yrs in my opinion), nor too old (greater than 35yrs). 21-35 yrs is an ideal time physically for a woman to give birth. While men can father children at any age as long as they are producing robust soldiers, I think its best that they too aint older than 35 so they have all the stamina to run after the lil one and live long enough to see them graduate, get married etc.

2. Mental and physical health of the parents:
For both parents to be mentally fit is a mandatory requirement. If not both, at least one parent needs to be mentally healthy, preferably the mother since she plays a greater role in the upbringing of a child. Physical health too is very important. If either /both parents have any genetic diseases which have a fair chance of being transferred to the baby, they should make their decision after ample thought and research. Even otherwise, dads should be observing healthy habits, like no smoking/drinking. Mothers should have regular menstrual cycles and age/height/built appropriate weight. If there are any health issues, ideally they should be addressed before going in for a baby.

3. Financial Security:
Now this is a tricky one: while its important, how much is enough is debatable. Surely the parents need to have a stable house to live in, a stable income to survive, some savings and a hopeful future to give a good life to a baby. But each individual has their own standards. Some are ok any time as long as they have a job and a house to live. Some want to have a house/car etc of their own before starting a family. Some want to be at a certain position in their jobs or have x amount of savings or x figure salary. Different people have different ideas of security and whenever they think they have it, they go for it. While I still think there is never a good time as one is never satisfied that they have enough, better not to push someone into taking this step: its too important to later regret.

4. Stable relationship and family support:
While different cultures have their own setups, Indian culture primarily still assumes marriage before children. Of course there are cases of unmarried couples having children but that's more of an exception than the rule as of now. Also, although love marriages are on the rise, there are still a lot of people even in urban India  who go for arranged marriages. Such people need time, to know and understand each other and see if they gel well enough to keep a family together. While this is important for arranged marriages, even in love marriages, couples are in no hurry to plan a family. Typically couples take at least 2-3 years after marriage before they start planning. Another factor which helps taking this decision is family support: if there are parents/in-laws nearby to help with the baby, couples are more keen on starting a family. On the other hand of the parents are too nosy and are pestering the couple to have kids asap, it can go both ways!

5. Timing:
Apart from the aforementioned factors there may be other factors in a person's life which govern the decision of having a family.  Some people may have responsibilities towards the family, like getting a younger sibling married or paying for education etc, and can start planning for their own family only when done with them. Some people may have a long distance marriage/relationship or have a travel-intensive job, which they may need to figure out before trying for a baby, as stability and closeness to partner is very important for conception and pregnancy. Some may have the wanderlust and have plans to tick items off their bucket list before settling down with a family. Better to finish all that you wanted to do before having a baby, as the whole process of trying, conceiving, pregnancy, post natal care etc is a very time consuming affair, and unless you have the time, inclination, and prioritization that's required, better wait.

These are some of the top things that came to my mind, which I learnt from my own experience or talking to other mothers/mothers-to-be. Different individuals have different priorities and factors to consider. Whatever be yours, just be sure you are really ready for this LIFE CHANGING experience in EVERY WAY. Cuz once the bun is in the oven, there is no turning back! :)

Of the pitter patter of tiny feet

It all begins with the most important question: To have babies or not. A few decades ago this wasn't even a question: it was assumed that every married couple sooner rather than later will produce 2 children, preferably a boy and a girl, to complete their happy family. However, recently there has been a marked change in the attitudes of young couples, and a new trend has arisen: the decision to never have children.

Up till now what we saw was a shift in the family system: from joint family to nuclear family, then from working husbands an housewives to double-income-no-kids households. But even they just delayed the whole process of having a family, owing to the need of settling down. It seems now though, that a completely new and never-before fashion has cropped up: of having no kids at all.

Now why on earth would one not want to have any kids at all??? Isn’t procreation what makes the world go on? Isn’t it what we are here to do, we are supposed to do?? How can anyone choose not to have kids? If everyone stops having children, what will happen to this earth? Hey chill… we don’t have to get so carried away…. Chances that everyone on this earth decides to skip having kids is as high as the sun rising from the west... And honestly if that happens maybe it's good, as Earth can do with a population fall, given what we humans have done to it! :P But on a serious note, a surprisingly large number of people do not wish to take up the responsibility of progression of human population.

Many couples adopt kids, not because they are unable to have their own, but because they don’t wish to increase the already overburdening pressure of population on earth, and also wish to do something for the orphans. Some adopt because they can’t have kids of their own, either because they are medically unfit, or they are homosexuals. Still others adopt kids because they don’t have life partners, and want children, even at the cost of bringing them up single-handedly.

But there is also another group of people, steadily on the rise, who just don’t want kids. Usually the reason is financial stability. They feel they won’t be able to bring up a child well. But even such couples have at least 1 child. They may wait till they are settled and financially well off before they have children, i.e. they have kids late, maybe very late, but they do. Other reason may be that their marriage/ relationship is on the rocks and they feel having kids may weaken their stand and make it difficult for them to separate if need be, as everyone very well knows the harshest impact of divorce/separation is the children of the couple. Some people don’t have kids due to their career limitations: they believe having kids can wreak havoc on their superb career. As a result, many married actresses/models skip the having children routine, lest they ruin their figure and lose their charm, their USP, their salability.

But what does one say to/think of those people who are physically and mentally fit, financially stable, have a great marriage/relationship, well settled in their jobs… in short possess everything that takes to become great parents, but still opt out of it. They don’t even adopt. They just don’t want kids. As simple as that. Why, you ask? How can a human being naturally not want to procreate? Well… it’s an interesting issue.

These kid-less couples say that they don’t want children simply because they see no need to have kids. Now why on earth do people want to have kids, apart from our basic instinct? Mainly because they feel it’s the natural next step to a relationship/marriage. They are expected to have kids. Many women want kids because they feel incomplete unless they have given birth and experienced the miracle of god. Most couples get bored of their monotonous lives… they want some action and excitement. Some people want support in old age, while others want to continue their lineage. Some have kids just so that their child can take over their business. After all, they can’t leave all that they strove for to some stranger… don’t these things apply to this set of couples as well?

Apparently not. People today are too well settled in their lives, jobs, to let anything upset the schedule, including kids. They don’t think they are ready to have kids….EVER! They don’t think they will have time, or the mental preparation to handle kids. Many people have jobs/ambitions/lifestyle that would be hampered if they had kids. They don’t need support in their old age, they don’t feel empty and lonely, they don’t want to experience creating a new soul, or bringing up another human being. All in all they think having kids is a bad idea, which will ruin their life. In exchange they have to listen to a lot of hushed whispers and eager queries about WHY they don’t have any kids, and suffer a number of shocked and disapproving looks when they tell them they just don’t need kids. But that's ok. They prefer a whole lifetime of this nonsense but have made up their minds not to give in to the pressure of parents dying to have grand kids etc., and stick to their decision. Hats off to them who manage not to succumb to societal pressure, and achieve all that they want to, which they wouldn't have if they had kids.

Personally, I don’t have anything against these people… after all it’s their life, and they are the ones responsible for whatever decisions they take. It is better not to have children if you don't want, than to have children forcibly and regret for the rest of your life. Personally I feel that it is a great feeling to be a parent and give birth to and bring up a child. There used to be a time when I was sure I was never going to give birth to any kids because the whole process seemed so painful and difficult, right from conception to childbirth to post natal care of the child. But over the years I have mulled over the issue, and have come to the conclusion that I want to have kids, of my OWN if possible. I want to be a proud mother of a naughty boy and a pretty daughter one day, no matter what I have to do to make that possible and successful! And for all those who have decided never to experience parenthood, Ill say “Maybe you think children are a burden, but trust me, they are god’s most beautiful creation. Try having one child, then you will know of the innumerable pleasures they bring to us, who, in our fast paced lives, have forgotten how to smile!”