Sex Determination: To do or not to do?

Once it was confirmed that I was pregnant and carrying a healthy single baby in my uterus, the next question that came to me was: is it a boy or a girl?

Now I come from a family which believes in two-child theory: one child is a lonely child. If you ask me, Id love to be mommy to both a boy and a girl. Since I myself am an older sister to my brother, I too prefer to have an older daughter. I personally feel older sisters have a calming effect on younger brothers, and nurture them well. While older brothers are fantastic caretakers of younger sisters too, I feel they tend to be more protective and thus end up curtailing their sisters' lives.

Apart from that, I can tell you, a part of every woman wants to have a baby girl, for the sheer pleasure of having a girl to dress up in pretty dresses, shoes, accessories and hairstyles. It's like we women like to live vicariously through our lil girls :) Plus there also goes an adage "A son is a son till wife, a daughter is a daughter for life." While different people may have different experiences with their children, I really do feel daughters are more inclined to get involved in taking care of their parents, with their physical presence if not financially, than boys. Also many people like my husband also believe girls are perfect angels as kids, while boys are little devils. Given all this, it was clear we both want a girl very strongly. Not that if we were to have a boy we would leave him back in the hospital! :P

Why does one want to know the sex of the unborn child? Well people like me just want to know because we are curious. And also so we can plan the baby shopping, as well as names accordingly. It's not a big deal, just something fun to know and prepare for! However, unfortunately, a majority of Indian people, even in urban society, hanker for the male child. And end up aborting female fetuses if they find out. Why such craze for a male child? Too many reasons: carry on the family name, financial support during old age, dowry and maid for free on marriage... While girls are just bad investment: you clothe them, feed them, educate them, marry them off - basically pay for them forever and never get any returns. Not a good business proposition. So better to get rid of them while you can, and have as many boys as possible to secure your future.

It may sound crazy but this attitude is still prevalent in today's society, even in the so called "educated" urban families. I have seen myself how the in laws get crestfallen at the birth of a girl child but celebrate with pomp and splendour when a boy arrives. Even if they do not abort or kill the baby girl when she is born, they discriminate against her when it comes to lifestyle, education and other basic amenities: brothers are always favoured over sisters when it comes to decide where to spend the money. It hurts me to see this kind of discrimination. But it is a sad fact of Indian society.

World Sex ratio is 1007 females per 1000 males, while the same for India is a dismal 940 females per 1000 males. Statistically it is seen more girls are born compared to boys. But in India, thanks to the skewed attitude, already 60 females per 1000 males are missing, primarily due to female foeticide or infanticide. And to curb this, the Indian Govt took the step of banning sex determination in India in 1994. Now no doctor across India, can convey to any patient in any way the sex of their unborn child. Of course this doesn't mean that it doesnt happen. It still does, discretely, and the sex ratio continues to suffer.

And also suffer couples like us who have no intention to murder the girl child and in fact want girl children. (Not that we would abort a boy child for a girl!). Thanks to the idiotic illiterate majority of Indians, I am unable to legally find out the sex of my baby. Which I think I have all the rights to find out if I want. People say its ok, a few suffer for the benefit of many. It is collateral damage. But I am not so sure it works. The only thing one can curb by making sex determination illegal, is female foeticide. But when you force people to have children without knowing the gender, they keep having girls one after the other for a boy, and thus compromise the life they give to so many children. It doesn't help the existing population issue in the country. And by curbing this you cannot guarantee that after the girl is born she will be allowed to live! After all there is no visibility into or ban on female infanticide. If not killed, baby girls may be brought up very poorly with bare minimum nutrition, education etc. And in some cases little girls are also sold off to human traffickers for money. Do people really think that by forcing such people to have girls, they are doing the girls a favour?

In my opinion, no. I wish the government would allow sex determination. People should have the right to know and act accordingly. Instead of having hundreds of unwanted or badly treated girls by virtue of the sex determination ban, they should work on programs for women empowerment, for mass education on benefits of having a girl, for free education and work opportunities for girls so parents don't think of them as a burden. We should look at ways to change the attitude of people rather than make life difficult.

But then who am I kidding? This is India and we are Indians and we are like this only. I honestly have no idea how long it will take until people become neutral to gender and love and care for a baby irrespective. It will be a great achievement if I see this shift in majority of India in my lifetime. Until then I'll sit and count the days until I have my little one in my lap, and find out if its a baby girl or a boy. And I will make sure that no matter what the outcome, my love, care and dedication to my child will not differ. And inculcate the same attitude in my children. After all, change always begins from home! :)

A look at the beginning of my journey of Motherhood

Since I was a girl, Ive been fond of babies and kids. When I was 11, our little cousin used to spend the whole day with us while his parents went to work. We took care of him for the first 2 years. That was probably my first proper experience of being with a baby and handling small things about it, learning on-the-job; as I was only 3 when my brother was born and don't really think I registered him much as a baby :)
Around 7 years later, we had another little baby coming over for the day while his parents were working: he was our family friends' son, and I was much older by then to understand the nitty-gritties of childcare. Although my mother, who I guess had ample experience bringing up 2 children and 2 dogs, did most of the job; I attribute to these experiences giving me a taste of what baby care is all about, and in its own way, prepared me to take up the responsibility myself when the time came.

However, I still had a mental block with the whole process: first trying forever to conceive, while ensuring everything is ideal for it to happen. Then managing 9 months of pregnancy and all that comes with it: sickness, aches, drastic lifestyle changes etc. Then the very scary and painful process of labour and childbirth, and the aftermath of stitches and bleeding and healing from all of it. And it doesn't end there: there is feeding and nappy changing and staying up all night forever, and kissing life as you know it goodbye. Sure babies are cute and a huge source of happiness, but to go through so much pain? Was it ever gonna be worth it?

I think this question has tormented all of us women especially at some point or the other in life, given that our role in the whole process is so much more than that of the father/other family members. And there is no escaping that responsibility. However, I realised that no one can make you take this step of having a baby unless you are fully ready: physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, financially etc. And when that day comes, you know it is time :)

As for me, I met my husband at MBA school, and after 3 years of courtship, we tied the knot in December 2009. After our second anniversary I started to get these "motherhood pangs". I'm serious ladies, it really does happen when the time is right. You end up going all 'awww' whenever you see babies, you develop this urge to be motherly and nurturing towards everyone. Heck you could even start dreaming about babies! And being in India, married, in late 20s, there are enough people around you asking about the 'good news' all the time, to ensure top of mind recall. I was 28, ready in all aspects, and since I wanted 2 children I thought it was time we started trying for the first one. However all doesn't depend on one person, the other partner must also be on board. It took time for my husband to come around and be comfortable with this life changing decision of having a baby, but like I said, when the right time comes, everything falls into place. And by end of May 2012 we were on board and ready to begin this journey.

The first step was to go to the doctor in early June and understand our physical readiness and health for having a baby. Since I am hypertensive, hypothyroidic and diabetic, the first thing to do was to ensure everything is under control. I wasn't my ideal weight but since all the other statistics were ok, our gynecologist gave us the go-ahead, but at the same time reminded us that my health issues, and my husband's habit of drinking and smoking may prolong the time we take to conceive. We should try our best to be as healthy as possible in terms of food, exercise and habits; as well as try without any stress. We should not do any other blood or other tests. We should religiously try for 6 months and if still nothing happened, then we should come back for further testing and prognosis. So that part was sorted.

The second thing was that before I started trying I wanted to fulfil one of my dreams for a long time: to go to Ladakh. Opportunity came in mid June, and we decided that we will start trying once I'm back. And so we did. I came back by June 25th, and there we were, enjoying the whole process of making babies :) it was fun while it lasted, although I must admit there was always this fear of months and months passing without good news which made me nervous. I am an impatient person by nature, and I kept testing myself every now and then to see if I'm pregnant. It was finally on 9th August that I realised I was about a month pregnant! Phew! What a relief. I actually got pregnant in hardly 2 weeks! We just couldn't believe it! Given all my conditions, we were expecting a wait time of at least 6 months. And here we were, pregnant in a jiffy. I've seen some of my friends who are perfectly healthy, trying for months without success. So for us, getting pregnant so quickly without issues was a miracle we were very thankful for! We immediately corroborated the results with other tests and checked with the gynecologist, who was equally surprised but happy for us. We immediately told immediate family and close friends the good news, and everyone was over the moon, and full of lots of advice, as expected :) And thus started the whole rigmarole of being pregnant, eating healthy, taking multivitamins, take care of myself etc.

Its been almost 6 months since I found out and every day for me has been an adventure on this roller coaster ride called pregnancy. There have been good days, bad days, even ugly days. Happy days, sad days, frustrating days, exhilarating days. Easy days, fun days, difficult days, impossible days. But each day, feeling the baby inside me grow, has been a day to remember! Now I'm waiting with bated breath to actually meet the little one in person soon! As they say, the real adventure begins only once the lil one's out! :)

Memoirs of a Mother: Based on a true story

For all the mothers who are lucky to have planned, conceived and delivered a healthy baby, there are those who have gone through the tragedy of losing one. Whether through early/late miscarriage, or premature babies not surviving, or babies born still birth without any reason. Losing a child at any stage is a devastating experience for a mother, the sadness directly proportional to the time she spent with the little one. As I talk about much of the joys of pregnancy and baby care, I cannot turn a blind eye to the other not-so-happy side. 
This post, inspired by a real life story, portrays the feelings of a mother who lost her baby and how she dealt with it.

I still remember that fateful day in the wintery January of 1983, when I realised that I was pregnant! Our joys knew no bounds. I was 28 and eager to start a family. Barely married a few months ago, my husband and I did not have much: just a single room house on rent, a few essentials and the both of us. My husband, fresh out of Med School, had recently acquired a job with a grand hospital and was earning a good Rs. 3000 per month. We had little, but we were happy. And now, a little one was to come into our lives soon. It was a heartening feeling; but a little scary too. How would we manage? Would we be able to afford a good life and provide for a bright future for our child? All my fears and anxiety were laid to rest by my husband who was very supportive, and by my family and friends. And thus began the beautiful journey of motherhood.


We were very excited. We began nurturing our dreams: thinking of names, buying clothes, collecting important tid-bits from family and friends (recent mothers' hand-me-downs), plans to save money to buy toys and crib...

And then it struck me - my husband sonographed me and gave me "the news" (at that moment I could not decide whether it was good or bad) - I was pregnant with twin girls!

For a moment I was shocked - I could not react, and when I did, it was not pleasant. It was simply impossible: raising two girls, together, in a one-room house, on a meager salary... It could just not be done! I gave up. I told my husband I wanted to abort the babies. I would not be able to handle them. I wasn't sure we could pull it off. My husband, though crestfallen at my reaction, convinced me that we could make it if we tried. My family came to our rescue. They collected lots of baby things, came to live with me and help with the pregnancy and promised to help take care of the babies when they arrived. And so I agreed, and the journey continued.

The next few months' were pretty comfortable. Sure, I had some weird cravings at weird timings, and I suddenly stated hating my favourite foods. There were good days, bad days, horrible days, and great days too. Everyone pitched in , in whatever way they could. There was a lot going on, both inside and outside, but I was so loved and taken care of that I did not realise how time flew.

Then one fine day in late August, a month before the due date, things started to speed up and we were surprised to know that the stork intended to visit us a month before plan. On August 30th, 1983, I finally gave birth to the two most beautiful and precious babies ever! It was fairly smooth though exhausting., but all my tiredness went away when I saw the tiny little bundles of joy!

They were born premature, and as a result were very weak, thin and sick. It was a miracle they survived, but they were getting better by the day. The were identical twins: fair, rosy, fragile - and everyone who saw them fell in love with them. The doctor who delivered them told me she had 4 sons and desperately wanted to adopt my second baby. Smiling, I refused. Smiling because just a few months back I was ready to abort these little ones, or give them away; but today, I could not bear to do that! My brother-in-law also wanted to adopt my second one, and so did a few others, but I politely refused them all. These were my babies, my fruits of labour; and I was going o keep them, love them and nurture them twice as much as any mother! The two little Japanese dolls (as my doctor called them) had a band strapped to their wrists to differentiate between them: one with a blue strap, one with a red one. We decided to call the elder one Mini, and the younger Tini for the time being, till we finalised their proper names.

And then our world came crashing down - Mini improved and came back home a week after her birth, but suddenly Tini was getting sicker and sicker. As it is, in multiple births, each kid doesn't get equal nutrition during pregnancy, and in this case Tini was the weaker one. She was going from bad to worse and stayed at the hospital. The days crept by. Finally she started to get better, and by the time she was 13 days old, she was well enough to visit her home for the first time. There was much jubilation. With lots of hopes and dreams, we finally got Tini back home, and lay her next to Mini. What a beautiful sight they were! We decided to keep a watch throughout the night. My husband stayed up for a few hours while I slept. Then he woke me up, and it was my turn to stay up and watch over Tini's condition. While the 3 slept, I stayed awake, but very drowsy. Don't know how and when but at some point I fell asleep and was only woken up by loud crying noises of Tini, in the wee hours of the morning. We all woke up, and after doing whatever we could to calm her down, we realised something was wrong. We rushed her to the hospital. apparently she had caught a deadly infection on the blood called Septicaemia from the hospital itself, and was very sick. Though enraged by the lack of proper care in such a big hospital, we first concentrated on immediate steps for Tini's treatment and recovery. Those few hours were the worst hours of our lives. We hoped, wished and prayed, but it was too late. In the wee hours of a September day, when the little one was just 2 weeks old, she succumbed to the disease. The other half of Mini, my second Japanese doll - was gone! The baby so many people wanted, did not go to anyone; not even to us.

With heavy hearts and tearful eyes, we went back, wondering if there was any way we could have avoided this. Had I stayed up, could we have saved her life? Maybe, maybe not. Thus came an end to our dreams, hopes, wishes, happiness: at least half of it. Though she spent all her life in the hospital, we missed her presence. But all the same we were grateful to God that Mini was alive and kicking. She continued to be sick for a year or 2, but after that she flourished. But even today when I see Mini, sometimes I think of the little one, long gone: of how pretty she would have been, how her life would have shaped up... Would she have been a star student? Would she have had a great sense of humour? What would have her marriage been like?

'Sweetheart I know you were going through hell, and maybe it was a blessing for you to be liberated. But do know, all of loved you and still do. We did whatever we could for you, and above all, we miss you and wish you were here. But, as they say, sometimes God gets lonely and needs some nice people around him. I guess he needed you the most, amongst all of us... '
(FYI, My old nickname is Mini)

Taking the big decision: Just do it!

Honestly if you ask me there is no good time to have a baby. A baby can be planned or unplanned, but as long as you want the baby and are willing to do whatever it takes to make him/her feel welcome and loved in this world, it doesn't matter.

After a couple have taken the first step of deciding that they WANT to have a baby, comes the next step: to decide WHEN to have a baby. Many people have a long laundry list of stuff that needs to work out before they take the plunge. While some of it is crucial  like mental/physical health or a stable place to live in, some of the requirements may be personal and not strictly mandatory.

So what are the top items in the baby decision checklist?

1. Age of the father and mother:
Ideally a mother shouldn't be too young (less than 21yrs in my opinion), nor too old (greater than 35yrs). 21-35 yrs is an ideal time physically for a woman to give birth. While men can father children at any age as long as they are producing robust soldiers, I think its best that they too aint older than 35 so they have all the stamina to run after the lil one and live long enough to see them graduate, get married etc.

2. Mental and physical health of the parents:
For both parents to be mentally fit is a mandatory requirement. If not both, at least one parent needs to be mentally healthy, preferably the mother since she plays a greater role in the upbringing of a child. Physical health too is very important. If either /both parents have any genetic diseases which have a fair chance of being transferred to the baby, they should make their decision after ample thought and research. Even otherwise, dads should be observing healthy habits, like no smoking/drinking. Mothers should have regular menstrual cycles and age/height/built appropriate weight. If there are any health issues, ideally they should be addressed before going in for a baby.

3. Financial Security:
Now this is a tricky one: while its important, how much is enough is debatable. Surely the parents need to have a stable house to live in, a stable income to survive, some savings and a hopeful future to give a good life to a baby. But each individual has their own standards. Some are ok any time as long as they have a job and a house to live. Some want to have a house/car etc of their own before starting a family. Some want to be at a certain position in their jobs or have x amount of savings or x figure salary. Different people have different ideas of security and whenever they think they have it, they go for it. While I still think there is never a good time as one is never satisfied that they have enough, better not to push someone into taking this step: its too important to later regret.

4. Stable relationship and family support:
While different cultures have their own setups, Indian culture primarily still assumes marriage before children. Of course there are cases of unmarried couples having children but that's more of an exception than the rule as of now. Also, although love marriages are on the rise, there are still a lot of people even in urban India  who go for arranged marriages. Such people need time, to know and understand each other and see if they gel well enough to keep a family together. While this is important for arranged marriages, even in love marriages, couples are in no hurry to plan a family. Typically couples take at least 2-3 years after marriage before they start planning. Another factor which helps taking this decision is family support: if there are parents/in-laws nearby to help with the baby, couples are more keen on starting a family. On the other hand of the parents are too nosy and are pestering the couple to have kids asap, it can go both ways!

5. Timing:
Apart from the aforementioned factors there may be other factors in a person's life which govern the decision of having a family.  Some people may have responsibilities towards the family, like getting a younger sibling married or paying for education etc, and can start planning for their own family only when done with them. Some people may have a long distance marriage/relationship or have a travel-intensive job, which they may need to figure out before trying for a baby, as stability and closeness to partner is very important for conception and pregnancy. Some may have the wanderlust and have plans to tick items off their bucket list before settling down with a family. Better to finish all that you wanted to do before having a baby, as the whole process of trying, conceiving, pregnancy, post natal care etc is a very time consuming affair, and unless you have the time, inclination, and prioritization that's required, better wait.

These are some of the top things that came to my mind, which I learnt from my own experience or talking to other mothers/mothers-to-be. Different individuals have different priorities and factors to consider. Whatever be yours, just be sure you are really ready for this LIFE CHANGING experience in EVERY WAY. Cuz once the bun is in the oven, there is no turning back! :)

Of the pitter patter of tiny feet

It all begins with the most important question: To have babies or not. A few decades ago this wasn't even a question: it was assumed that every married couple sooner rather than later will produce 2 children, preferably a boy and a girl, to complete their happy family. However, recently there has been a marked change in the attitudes of young couples, and a new trend has arisen: the decision to never have children.

Up till now what we saw was a shift in the family system: from joint family to nuclear family, then from working husbands an housewives to double-income-no-kids households. But even they just delayed the whole process of having a family, owing to the need of settling down. It seems now though, that a completely new and never-before fashion has cropped up: of having no kids at all.

Now why on earth would one not want to have any kids at all??? Isn’t procreation what makes the world go on? Isn’t it what we are here to do, we are supposed to do?? How can anyone choose not to have kids? If everyone stops having children, what will happen to this earth? Hey chill… we don’t have to get so carried away…. Chances that everyone on this earth decides to skip having kids is as high as the sun rising from the west... And honestly if that happens maybe it's good, as Earth can do with a population fall, given what we humans have done to it! :P But on a serious note, a surprisingly large number of people do not wish to take up the responsibility of progression of human population.

Many couples adopt kids, not because they are unable to have their own, but because they don’t wish to increase the already overburdening pressure of population on earth, and also wish to do something for the orphans. Some adopt because they can’t have kids of their own, either because they are medically unfit, or they are homosexuals. Still others adopt kids because they don’t have life partners, and want children, even at the cost of bringing them up single-handedly.

But there is also another group of people, steadily on the rise, who just don’t want kids. Usually the reason is financial stability. They feel they won’t be able to bring up a child well. But even such couples have at least 1 child. They may wait till they are settled and financially well off before they have children, i.e. they have kids late, maybe very late, but they do. Other reason may be that their marriage/ relationship is on the rocks and they feel having kids may weaken their stand and make it difficult for them to separate if need be, as everyone very well knows the harshest impact of divorce/separation is the children of the couple. Some people don’t have kids due to their career limitations: they believe having kids can wreak havoc on their superb career. As a result, many married actresses/models skip the having children routine, lest they ruin their figure and lose their charm, their USP, their salability.

But what does one say to/think of those people who are physically and mentally fit, financially stable, have a great marriage/relationship, well settled in their jobs… in short possess everything that takes to become great parents, but still opt out of it. They don’t even adopt. They just don’t want kids. As simple as that. Why, you ask? How can a human being naturally not want to procreate? Well… it’s an interesting issue.

These kid-less couples say that they don’t want children simply because they see no need to have kids. Now why on earth do people want to have kids, apart from our basic instinct? Mainly because they feel it’s the natural next step to a relationship/marriage. They are expected to have kids. Many women want kids because they feel incomplete unless they have given birth and experienced the miracle of god. Most couples get bored of their monotonous lives… they want some action and excitement. Some people want support in old age, while others want to continue their lineage. Some have kids just so that their child can take over their business. After all, they can’t leave all that they strove for to some stranger… don’t these things apply to this set of couples as well?

Apparently not. People today are too well settled in their lives, jobs, to let anything upset the schedule, including kids. They don’t think they are ready to have kids….EVER! They don’t think they will have time, or the mental preparation to handle kids. Many people have jobs/ambitions/lifestyle that would be hampered if they had kids. They don’t need support in their old age, they don’t feel empty and lonely, they don’t want to experience creating a new soul, or bringing up another human being. All in all they think having kids is a bad idea, which will ruin their life. In exchange they have to listen to a lot of hushed whispers and eager queries about WHY they don’t have any kids, and suffer a number of shocked and disapproving looks when they tell them they just don’t need kids. But that's ok. They prefer a whole lifetime of this nonsense but have made up their minds not to give in to the pressure of parents dying to have grand kids etc., and stick to their decision. Hats off to them who manage not to succumb to societal pressure, and achieve all that they want to, which they wouldn't have if they had kids.

Personally, I don’t have anything against these people… after all it’s their life, and they are the ones responsible for whatever decisions they take. It is better not to have children if you don't want, than to have children forcibly and regret for the rest of your life. Personally I feel that it is a great feeling to be a parent and give birth to and bring up a child. There used to be a time when I was sure I was never going to give birth to any kids because the whole process seemed so painful and difficult, right from conception to childbirth to post natal care of the child. But over the years I have mulled over the issue, and have come to the conclusion that I want to have kids, of my OWN if possible. I want to be a proud mother of a naughty boy and a pretty daughter one day, no matter what I have to do to make that possible and successful! And for all those who have decided never to experience parenthood, Ill say “Maybe you think children are a burden, but trust me, they are god’s most beautiful creation. Try having one child, then you will know of the innumerable pleasures they bring to us, who, in our fast paced lives, have forgotten how to smile!”

Welcome to the world of Mommyhood!!

Whether you are a mother, or expecting to be, or aspiring to be, or never wanna have anything to do with babies, this blog is all about just that: moms and babies and the amazing journey of motherhood. Lots has been said about the miracle of birth and the joys of parenthood, but nothing like going through it personally to appreciate all the fuss. Although Ive been thinking about it and planning for it since donkey's years, my journey actually began just about 7-8 months ago. This blog is dedicated to my personal experiences, right from the day the plan was finalised, to the day I discovered I was pregnant, and going forward, my encounters with  my baby. Hope you enjoy reading it as much as Ill enjoy writing!